No two pregnancies are the same, and each birth and delivery is different.
The same is true when you have lost children – whether you had natural childbirth or surgery, recovery after a loss is difficult and different each time.
This post highlights the five untold truths after a 2nd-trimester miscarriage and infant loss.
These are symptoms that I had after recovery of my natural delivery of my daughter Brielle, who I lost to a 2nd-trimester miscarriage at 18 weeks, and after my C-section with my son BJ who was born full term, but died shortly after birth.
1. Difficulty going to the bathroom
Yes, I said it. No one told me that it would be difficult to poop after pushing for 4 hours with my son and 10 minutes with my daughter.
I made a promise to myself that next time I am delivering even if it is a planned C-section I’m taking stool softeners a week before I go into the hospital. Stool softeners are your best friend.
This symptom is the same with living children; it was just magnified with losing children for me.
I wished that my labor was not in vain (pun intended) and that my difficulty pooping would be worth the pain.
2. Your breasts will fill with milk
Your breasts begin producing milk around 12 weeks of pregnancy. So, if you lose a child after 12 weeks, you will probably produce colostrum after the baby is born.
I was not shocked that my breasts filled up with milk after BJ was born.
I think what shocked me the most was not being able to stop producing breast milk because every time I thought of him, my breasts would fill up.
I remember one time I started to cry the day before his funeral and my boobs started leaking like faucets.
This made losing BJ even more difficult for me as that milk I produced was supposed to feed him and I wasn’t going to have that opportunity.
With Brielle, I knew that my breasts would fill up based on my experience with BJ, but my foremilk came in earlier.
Cabbage was my best friend in both losses to dry up my milk. Once I was able to go a few days without crying or feeling sorry for myself, my breast milk eventually did dry up.
What You Do with Your Breast Milk is Your Choice
3. You still have to pay hospital bills
Paying back hospital bills for surgery and natural delivery of my heavenly babies still makes me upset. I dread that I have to pay a monthly bill for my children who are no longer here.
I know that I received the best care and that the doctors did all they could for both of my children.
The monthly reminder doesn’t help my grieving process.
4. Your hair still falls out
Being pregnant back to back two years in a row with only four months in between them, took a toll on my hair.
Naturally, you gain strength and thickness in your hair while you a pregnant, but once those pregnancy hormones subside your hair slowly falls out.
This may not be true for all pregnancies, but it was very accurate for me in both of mine. Around 2-3 months postpartum my hair began to shed, break, and fall out.
Somehow I thought I would be immune to postpartum shedding after my 2nd-trimester miscarriage, but I wasn’t
5. You’ll have sleep issues
Sleep deprivation is a truth for many new moms as they have to feed their newborns every 2-3 hours during their first few weeks of life.
This was true for me after losing children although I didn’t have to wake up every 2-3 hours – I only could sleep that long after my losses.
I would wake up in the middle of the night wishing, hoping I was still pregnant. I would look down at my belly and realize the dream I had wasn’t real.
This was especially difficult after losing my son. It felt like he was still in my stomach moving and squirming around.
It wasn’t until I was in a better place with my grieving process that I was able to sleep throughout the night.
I still sometimes dream of my babies and wake up with thoughts of them that can’t get me back to sleep.
Those times I begin to write out how I feel and God always gives me peace and comfort, and I’m able to get another few hours rest.
All of these symptoms will happen after any mom gives birth to a living baby – for me, it was a shock after losing my children.
Sometimes I wish I was told beforehand that these symptoms would happen.
However, I’m happy that one day I will experience them with my rainbow baby in my arms.
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Jann Adams says
Hi , so sorry for both your baby losses. I’m sadly in the club nobody wants to be in too. I had my baby boy along ago now at 38weeks and he only lived for 3 days. It was a unexpected trauma for me and my family. Grieving was also just a nightmare. The baby, Thomas was his name was flown out in a helicopter to a city hospital to try to help him. During my grieving I kept dreaming about that happening. I already had a 8 yr old son and a 6 yr old daughter. So my hubby and I were always honest with them and when we told them what happened , my son guessed it already. It was heartbreaking for us and them. I worked in the hospital in delivery suite as clerical support for ladies came in to have checkups or their babies. The staff and drs knew me and it made it very emotional and personal. They treated us as best as they could. I was allowed home to prepare for his funeral, another nightmare. I was upset when we were told our government paid a allowance to help pay for funeral costs with a baby death. It was very hard to ring up and enquire about it. It devastated me when I was told that because I had Thomas on the wrong pay week we were not eligible for the payment. How disgusting was that. It was wasn’t like I had any choice when he was born. Have never forgotten that ever, and added so much to my grieving.
We had his funeral and I was not feeling physically well as I had to have a emergency csection and the funeral was only week since his birth. I also have had pooping probs too and now a prolapse. Not much fun for sure. If it was from wanting kids and having them well I would do it over again. I ended up having another baby boy only 13months later. So he was born healthy. It was definitely a miracle and cheered up our other kids alot. I could write much more about my overall experience’s good and bad but I hope the fact that I fought along with my families support and ended up with 3 children. This neo natal death was almost 29 years ago and never will forget our handsome little man. I have his plaque and his remains in a garden pot so if we need to move I can take him with me.
Bless other mothers and fathers siblings and other family and friends if they too have suffered a loss of a baby ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Maria says
Thank you for writing about this. I have such a hard time hearing about other mothers who also experienced 2nd trimester loss. I also lost at 18 weeks, my first pregnancy. I was devastated because my first trimester was so hard on me. I had bad morning sickness and lost weight and appetite. What kept me going was doing it for my baby and then We lost her. Knowing out babies are in heaven and we will meet them is a great comfort. It made me so sad to produce milk. To have milk leaking. None of my friends who experienced miscarriage had this. Made me feel like im being even more punished. Last Friday the baby was medically removed and still producing milk 🙁 but hopefully soon it will al end. May God bless you!