In a moment death won. Motherhood felt like a cruel joke that had been dangled in front of my eyes only to be yanked from my grasp much too soon. Prayers felt like they were hitting a brass ceiling. Heaven had to be real, it just had to. But in this moment, it felt like a figment of my imagination. The grave mocked me. And all innocence was gone in this world where children die. In that moment that death won, a promise was made in my heart to never to let her name memory fade. She was incredible and I wanted the world to know it. The resilience that I have witnessed, not only in my own heart, but in the company of other bereaved mothers, and women who have suffered from infertility… is contagious, powerful, moving. When I look through pictures of those early days of grief, I am amazed that I have survived. And not by anything that I have done, by any means. But it is incredible that anybody could survive the aftermath of grief and losing a child.
For a long time that is what it felt like though – that I was merely surviving. And sometimes that is all you can do. But maybe you’re like me, and you just want to smile again and not feel that tinge of guilt for a moment of happiness. Making the plunge to embrace life after loss is an inward battle I have found in my own heart. But I cannot let death win. Not today. It has already taken so much.
This is my heart’s dream, that I hope might spill into yours. Life is a gift. And the truth is, if you’ve suffered loss, infertility or both, and reading this… you are still standing in the midst of the aftermath.
And if you are here, you must know that you are not standing alone.
Franchesca Cox
Founder of Still Standing Magazine
26 Comments
Belinda
November 8, 2015 at 1:19 pm
My son passed 10/30/15. Having trouble breathing especially when I slip into”mommy mode”. He was only 43 yrs old. Friends and family have been so supportive. So thankful I have the Lord to lean on and prayers of people who love ❤ me.
amomsnewpath
May 18, 2018 at 2:06 pm
How do I find a retreat that’s non religious for grieving parents.?
robynneknight
June 25, 2018 at 12:12 am
Hi there… I highly recommend a Return to Zero healing retreat…http://rtzhope.org/retreat/ I recently attended the one in the Seattle area and found it very healing. There’s another one coming up later this year in Ohio.
Crystal Webster
July 31, 2018 at 11:49 am
Have you looked into The Compassionate Friends? I just attended their national conference and found it to be wonderful
Connie
November 22, 2015 at 9:48 am
Loss of my daughter (45 yrs) has changed me, smothered me, broken me and in many ways, totally destroyed me. Lost her 36 hours after losing my mom. It’s been one year!
Shari Isaacsen
January 3, 2016 at 1:14 am
I lost my daughter of my heart Miranda Aug1 2015 by suicide.She was 19 yrs old. I am her stepmom by marriage and her mom by love.She came to live with me when she was 7. Iam only beginning my journey through grief.Hoping to find support and understanding.
Kathy Cantrell
February 15, 2016 at 3:03 am
I also lost my 29 year old daughter to suicide five days before her thirtieth birthday. I was with her everyday. My joy, my love, my reason for being. All taken away after a ten year relationship which started out so positive ending in cheating , gambling, meth, just to name a few. He murdered you that day. Mind and heart shattered where else to go but to fall in Jesus arms and let him take you away from the awful pain and hurt of a love and devotion he will never find again. Finding you was the hardest part, trying to deal with the memory even harder. Life was never fair to you and I know God had an extra special place for you in heaven for all the suffering you endured. I love you my girl. Until we can wrap our arms around you again we will forever be changed and waiting for that day.
Renea Dijab
August 15, 2016 at 2:19 am
I am so sorry. I stumbled upon this site and I hope that someone responded to you. I also hope you found support and understanding.
sonya hardy
March 22, 2017 at 1:18 am
I’m sorry for your loss. I lost a daughter when she was an infant she was born too early September 8 1989..
Annah Elizabeth
July 25, 2017 at 11:02 pm
Hi, Shari,
Much time has passed since your wrote your comment and I see you will soon experience the second anniversary of your daughter’s death by suicide. How blessed she was to have you in her life.
Please know that you have many neighbors who can relate to your grief and who support you with all the love they have in their hearts. Sending love, light, healing energy, and wishes that this date will come and go as gently as possible…
Yours in hope, healing, and happiness,
~AE
paulette jones
January 14, 2016 at 9:15 am
My son was murder May 2315 in its driving me crazy
MARILU
January 23, 2016 at 11:47 am
Shari, I am so sorry for your lost. I also lost my 24 year son on September 7, 2014 he was shot multiple times in the head and then berried in a shallow grave. it’s has been very hard and I miss him dearly. You have to give yourself time to grieve and cry that will always help. I now you will have so many questions of how and why and you will not get the answers ,time will help you learn how to live with this pain and move on with out them on earth but will always live in our hearts.
Jodi R Graham
August 7, 2016 at 4:56 am
I lost my son Ronnie Lee Graham II on May 19, 2014…he had just Graduated from Seaman High School in Topeka, Kansas @ 4pm on May 18, 2014…less than 12 hours later they pronounced him dead at 3:38am…on my daughter/his baby sisters 9th birthday…he actually took his last breathe at 3:23am…I felt my heart stop and I couldn’t catch my breathe…at that very moment I knew my son was gone forever…from that minute forward life has been an endless blurt that I have remained stuck in…still waiting for Ronnie to come home so we could finish our Graduation Celebration…I was the Proudest Momma & the Most Devastated Momma all within 12 hours…the Police rules it an accident…Senior Graduates…Drinks…Drives…Dies. THE END…!!! NOT…!!! AS OF MARCH OF 2016 RONNIES CASE WAS REOPENED AND IT IS STILL UNDER INVESTIGATION AS A HOMICIDE…!!! TO BE CONTINUED…
Teresa Kidwell
August 21, 2016 at 4:13 pm
I lost my son 3 years ago. He was 23. He drank too much one night I never woke up the next day. He was the love of my life and my only child. I will never have grandchildren I will never know how is life would have turned out. Since he died I have become a partner in my company taking up music workout everyday and seemingly do all these things to keep myself busy. But I have learned that grief never goes away and that no one including close family members understand the depth of my sorrow. It hasn’t gotten easier although there are moments when I forget how sad I am. I am going through a bad wave of grief after 3 years now usually at the end of summer when his birthday is close. I need help often and rely on my friends but it doesn’t seem like it’s enough lately any help is appreciated I have learned not to take anything for granted in life and I am different from everyone else that I see around me now. They complain about their kids they complain about little things they complain about having to take them places. I hear them at the gym, at work, and the grocery store, and I am acutely aware of how trivial all this sounds now when I don’t have a child to love. I realize how precious life is good at the same time it is so painful even if you are a positive person and stay busy. I feel like I have worn out my friends but there are moments when I need to talk to someone and just have somebody hear me cry and now my suffering
Kelli Lushbaugh
September 28, 2016 at 3:29 pm
I lost my son may 21, 2016 from suicide. I just did a suicide walk to bring awareness to suicide, depression and the effects this horrible decision brings to the surviving family. I can’t get out of bed most days. He was my middle son. I have an older. son, a middle daughter and the youngest son….I try to make life normal. I just don’t know what normal is anymore…
Caroline
January 11, 2017 at 12:52 am
Kelli,
If you see this reply, reach out, I would like to talk to you. Dates in your post triggered links for me, so I felt drawn to reach out to you. I’m so, so sorry that your dear son died. We are walking this path too, since 2012.
hugstight
Caroline
Ginger
July 13, 2017 at 10:13 am
I am so sorry for your loss. My son went home to the Lord Thanksgiving Day, 2016 from an accidental heroin overdose. Your words spoke to me. My sisters are supporting and loving, but they don’t understand what I’m going through. I don’t even think my husband understands. Though he’s grieving in his way, I believe a mother’s grief is a grief unmatched by any other.
I have another beautiful son, and people don’t understand why I still want to go to heaven. I’ve got to get stronger. I’m actually scheduled to go to a facility in Tuscon in a few weeks to help me to learn how work through this tragedy without Zoloft. Medication is just not working for me. Neither is alcohol. My prayers go out to you and all the mothers who have experienced the loss of a child.
Lynsay Lewis
September 29, 2016 at 2:29 pm
I lost my daughter on December 16 2015 she was 4yrs old and was in the car with her baby sitter who at the time was under the influence of methenfetamins she ran a stop sign and was hit by a tree trimming truck my Karmyn was killed instantly they had no idea who she was or that she was even in the car till a bystander saw her foot this has totally devastated my life I often don’t know how to go on. As we are coming up on a year since the wreak it seems days are extremely hard to even get out of bed I have not any grief counseling or talked to anyone really. It’s hard for me to go anywhere so I thought I would try something online thank you for reading my story I hope someday I can help someone going thru what I am.
Tricia
March 15, 2017 at 1:56 pm
I am so sorry for you loss. I have no idea what you are going through, my circumstances are different. My daughter, 21, passed away Feb. 27, 2017. I am only 2 1/2 weeks in. I am miserable, but I can’t imagine how you are feeling. I pray you have found someone you can talk to. I feel this type of grief is not something someone can just push through. The pain is almost unbearable. Please talk to a professional or find a support group to help. I can’t really offer anything as I am just starting down this journey. Your story is heart wrenching. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Susan Johnson
October 3, 2016 at 9:46 pm
I quit talking. I Don’t Know If l can do this. It’s more than her loss. 34..lost her. Mom at 34. Lost her way before that. Loss of her baby girl. Losing my boys..
Ann
October 30, 2016 at 5:00 pm
You only take one day at a time and with God’s hand holding you will survive. You will have your bad days, but with God’s help you live through it,believe or not you will.
Sharina
February 1, 2017 at 2:15 am
Hi ladies my name is Sharina I’m 27 years old and I recently loss my daughter Ariah December 4th my due date to a cord accident my water broke at home and once I arrived at the hospital Ariah had no heartbeat they said it was due to her cord coming down first and her head landing on top of her cord I’m completely devastated Ariah was our second daughter we have a 7 year old that was not so excited about giving up being the baby of our family and yet so excited to be a big sister at the end of our pregnancy. I’m so sorry for your losses.
Childless Parents: from infertility to fostering – Balancing Life's Lemons
March 8, 2017 at 5:36 pm
[…] Still Standing Magazine is a place where childless parents can find that they are not alone in any of this. I highly recommend starting your experience with this online community with the note from the editor. […]
Joyce
March 29, 2017 at 1:26 am
I lost my dad at the age of 12 i am 45 now i still dealing. With that. I lost my son 3years ago and i lost my mom 2 years ago and now i lost my husband. 1 year and half ago. I alway2 hears. Voices and seen poeple my grandmother. Read palms. So that didnt borther me. My son hear voices. To its just hard dealing. WIth. This with. No family. Here
Nancy
April 8, 2017 at 10:25 pm
I lost my husband in 2013 and not quite two years later, I lost my baby girl., Emily. She was 25. She died of a heroin overdose. She was a kind and loving soul, She would bring me bouquets of dandelions or violets from the yard to make me smile. She was intuitive with me. She was so caring. Unfortunately, she received very little compassion from anyone else but me, her mother. She went away to college and started trying drugs, as most kids so upon their freedom. I warned her of doing those things. She found them enticing. She loved the feeling of freedom that came from heroin, she told me. She felt free. Free from the life she had created. Heroin takes everything away from you. You lose yourself in it. She lost herself. I began to see her slipping away and becoming someone else. Not many people tried to help her. I wish someone would have. She went with a loser guy who only used her and took it all from her. Now she is gone. I am alone. I miss them both so much. My husband and my daughter. They loved me. Now no one else does. I lost them and I lost significance. No one really cares about me–if I live or not. I am lost in my grief. Nothing matters anymore. I wish they were here. There is not purpose to much anymore. I am interested in nothing. I go thru the motions. Has God quit listening to me. I cry and scream and wonder if He cares. Does He? Why was this all created? Why is the pain more than anything. What purpose is there to anything.
Alison Mintoff
January 10, 2018 at 1:32 am
I have just lost my precious first born baby daughter just 6 weeks ago after she was fatally diagnosed in August. I am determined that her brief but precious life will make me a braver and stronger person! I am open to challenges and a positive way of life because of my daughter! It is still really fresh but I hope that someday I will find the right words to be able to contribute here. Thanks for this. Take care and lots of love to all other angel mums xxxx