I’m not stupid. Of course, I know my baby is ugly.
I know from the way you sit uncomfortably in your seat when I show his picture.
From the way you pause as you try to think of something nice to say…. maybe about how he has so much hair!
I know my baby is ugly which is why I never post pictures of him online, the way I do with my other kids.
I know that in the anonymity of the internet, people won’t be as kind as you are.
They’ll say what they really think: “OMG! What is wrong with him!” or “You sicko, why would you post pictures of THAT!”
In real life, you have to pretend to be interested.
Social niceties mean you at least have to pretend that my son is beautiful.
No one ever does that online.
Lies, Defamation, and Online Abuse; Can We Protect The Memory Of Our Dead Children?
I have eyes, of course, so I know my son is ugly. Not sharing his picture with you, either in person or online, makes me sad. So very, very sad.
Because even though my son is ugly, my heart is filled with love for him.
I don’t love him more, or less, than my other children.
But when I share the pictures of my other kids, it can feel that way.
It feels like I have one son I am ashamed of.
Even though I’m not.
The truth is that I can’t cope with your harsh words, or even your uncomfortable looks.
I am scared that people will steal his image, use it for their own sick purposes.
I’ve seen that before you know, galleries of freak shows and even so-called pro-life protesters, stealing pictures of boys like my son to protest in front of clinics to try and shame women into changing their minds.
He wasn’t ugly
Maybe the saddest part is that I know you weren’t really ugly, my son.
After all, I have your identical twin’s picture too, and no one says that about him.
The only reason YOU looked different was because your trauma was different.
You died first, so your skin had more time to fall off a bit. You were lower in my pelvis, causing blood to pool in your face.
Your fingernails are the deep red of someone who went without oxygen for far too long, prompting people to ask me if I painted your nails.
Life After Stillbirth: The Smoke Never Clears
And you had two hemangiomas on your right eyelid, that probably would have been fixed with surgery had you lived.
But the nurses did their best with the photos while I was in shock and unable to process what was going on.
They carefully placed your hand on your chest, to cover the worst of the skin slippage.
They used knitted hats and strategically placed baby bunnies to hide things they knew would likely upset others.
I never saw you without a diaper, an unnecessary accessory, except it meant that I only found out when I read the autopsy report that you had an undescended testicle.
Just one more thing that set you apart from your otherwise identical brother.
So please try to see my son through a mother’s eyes.
He may be ugly, but he is my precious baby boy.
And he means the world to me.
Amanda Ross-White is the proud mother of four beautiful children, including her twin boys Nate and Sam, who were stillborn in 2007. She is eternally grateful to watch her rainbow children, daughter Rebecca and son Alex, grow around her. She is also the author of Joy at the End of the Rainbow: A Guide to Pregnancy After a Loss, which won second place in the American Journal of Nursing’s Book of the Year Awards (Consumer Health).
I struggled with this too – my son had trisomy 18, and while he was beautiful in every way, you could tell he had a chromosomal abnormality. I was so afraid people would think he was ugly or see his imperfections instead of how beautiful he was. I’m sorry you struggle with this momma. Your son was beautiful.
Catherine my little boy was also born early with trisomy 18. He had a bilateral cleft lip and palate and clenched fists. why perfect and beautiful in my eyes i worry people will only see his imperfections and think he’s ugly. I only ever share photos of his feet. It’s sad to see how many of us struggle with this. Sending love and so sorry for your loss x
Thank you for sharing about yourq boys. I couldn’t see the ugly I just saw a lovely little baby, feel sorry for those who only see ugly.
My first child and only son was born on 12/03/1978 he was stillborn at 9 months I was one week past my due date. I never got to see him or hold him , my Dr said that there was a lot of skin slippage oround his head a forehead area he thought it would be to traumatic for me to view. How I wish I could have viewed him and held him. There are no pictures to mark that he was ever here. I think that your picture of your son is beautiful, a memory you can cherish forever until next you meet him. I will have wait until I join him and what a joyous meeting it will be. God bless you and your beautiful sons.
I draw people’s lost babies so they have a softer, less stark image to show others. I’ve drawn hundreds. In the beginning, I was shocked by many of the babies’ appearances. They were startling because they were always dead and often deformed. Marks of their trauma were written all over their tiny broken bodies. As time went on, I grew used to the imagery. It’s stopped shocking me. I started to see love and beauty in their little faces. I found it interesting to recognise the features of their mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters in their faces. Then I realised, angels don’t have shiny blonde hair, sparkly blue eyes and healthy pink cheeks. I get to draw angels every day.
You are an angel on earth. I had a drawing done of my granddaughter Lily, born still on May 29, 2018 by an artist family member who brought out her resemblance to her big sister. All our photos are beautiful in my eyes.
Could I get information on what you do.I would love to have a drawing of my granddaughter she passed away April 13 2018.The hardest day of my life.my email address is kddeuel@yahoo.com
I too would love your info if you have time . It’s been 3 years since I lost my first and only grand baby, my daughter’s daughter. I have some pictures on my phone I could send I would
Struggled with this when my grandson was stillborn .. I had never seen a dead baby. He was perfect in every single way. He is missed and loved so very much.