To my husband, the father of our stillborn son:
I’m not sure you know how much I needed you. I have never let you know how much you helped me during the worst days of our lives.
You are probably unaware of how much you mean to me.
I am sorry for that.
I am sorry that our son died. Sorry that you have to wear his ashes around your neck when you should be teaching him to ride a bike.
I am sorry that you are on this painful journey, but I thank you for staying by my side.
Thank you for being strong for me even though your heart was breaking, too.
I remember your words after we heard the devastating news that “something was wrong with our son”. You were strong as I crumbled into your arms.
You held me and told me he would be okay.
Not knowing that he would die, you stayed positive and hopeful while I fell apart.
Standing strong by my side, you worried too. You were scared, too.
Fearing the worst, all while keeping it together for me.
I’m sorry if I wasn’t there for you when you needed me.
When we found out he was very sick and going die, you were my rock.
You held me while I sobbed into your chest.
You told me we would be okay. At the time I didn’t think that was possible, but I trusted you.
I had you.
You stood by my side through the darkest days of my grief.
Thank you for letting me grieve my way, even though I know it’s not yours.
Thank you for loving him and thinking of him.
Thank you for being his Dad.
You are the only person who truly knows the depth of my pain.
I don’t know what I would do without you.
You also are missing a son.
We are missing a piece of our family and we will be forever.
I hear it in your voice sometimes when you’re talking to his little brother.
I know it makes you sad that they will never get to play together.
It makes me sad too.
I feel your heartbreak. I know you miss him.
Even though we show it differently, you love him just the same as I do.
You are his father and we bear this pain together.
I could not have survived his death without you.
Kelly is owner and therapist at Evolve Counseling, LLC and proud mother to three children, including her son, Parker who was stillborn at 24 weeks gestation. At Evolve Counseling, LLC she provides counseling services to individuals and families healing after infant and pregnancy loss.