Where do I fit in?

Guest post by Jade

After losing my son Caleb last year I have often found myself wondering “where do I fit in”? All of my friends and co-workers have had their babies that we were all pregnant with at the same time and most are preparing for their children’s first birthdays. My events tab on Facebook is full of baby shower invites and children’s first birthdays! I RSVP as “maybe” then as the day of the event draws near I click “not going”.

I still can’t bring myself to attend these events! It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s the question of am I ready?

What if I have a breakdown during the event and take the attention away from the soon to be mom or the babies first birthday?

What if people ask questions about Caleb or if strangers ask me if I have any children?

I will already be emotional enough. This is such a hard thing to deal with.

I don’t want to alienate myself from everyone but I also don’t want to be a downright party pooper. It all boils down to… where do I fit in?

Where do I fit in as a mother that doesn’t have her baby in her arms? I can join in conversations about pregnancy, labor, delivery, and engorged milk filled breasts but it stops there.

My story goes into cremation/burial, memorials, memory boxes, an empty nursery, and sadness while their’s goes into how many bottles they make a day, how many diapers they changed, how much sleep they didn’t get, and their babies milestones.

I have no problem talking to strangers online about these issues that arise more frequently it seems now after losing Caleb but I can’t talk to people face to face about it. I have come to the conclusion that I fit in with the rest of baby loss mothers. We understand each other and support each other through the good days and the bad days. Maybe as time goes by this will change. I really have faith that it will.

I want to click the “going” button with no hesitation. Until then I will fit in the best way I can… by being ME …strong and proud that I can call myself a mother and join in for parts of these baby conversations. After all I am still a mother… and I am very honored to fit into that title.