Guest post by Adrienne
It was 27 and 26 years ago. It was yesterday. Four words that destroyed my hopes, my dreams for the future, my anticipation. “There is no heartbeat.” Four little words with the power to crush a heart and change my life forever. Even after nearly 3 decades, the pain is still there. The difference is that now I can bear it. I had had two children and adopted a third. This pregnancy was planned and going well. On Valentine’s day, a day of love, I started bleeding. For a week I was ordered to bed rest and was told all “was fine.” It wasn’t. A week later in the midst of heavier bleeding and cramping, in the deafening silence of an ultrasound room I heard the words that are engraved on my heart forever. “There is no heartbeat.” At 15 weeks, my baby was gone. Her heart stilled forever. It was February and I was cold – inside and out.
Fast forward a year. Once again it was February. Once again it was cold. Once again I was pregnant … and once again I heard those words. “There is no heartbeat.” I was only 8 weeks along and I was swept away for a D&C. Three weeks later, I was rushed to the hospital in extreme pain. I began losing consciousness and after an eternity, the twin to my baby was found in my ruptured fallopian tube. Emergency surgery and 11 units of blood saved my life but another baby was gone – almost a year to the day that I lost my little girl.
I was not allowed to grieve. My faith was attacked. People said horrible things to “help” me in my grief. Others ignored my loss as if my babies had never existed. For years I fell to the negative views of my losses. For years I was afraid and ashamed to tell others of my babies because I didn’t want to make THEM uncomfortable. I sacrificed my feelings for theirs. But no more!
A few years ago I took back my right to grieve, to cry, to say the names of my babies out loud, to tell people that I had 7 children, not just 4 (including my Rainbow Baby). I remember them every day. I may never have held them in my arms but they are in my heart forever until we meet again. I am now standing tall and proud of all my children – the four on earth and the three in Heaven. My faith in the Lord that walked beside me during my journey of grief and held me up when I was falling has kept me going. When I was ready, He stood me back on my feet and I am standing still.
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