The other day, I came across a blog of someone dealing with infertility.
I don’t read many blogs these days. I haven’t really even written much in mine lately. I find myself facing writer’s block a lot of the time…so many, many things I want to say but all jumbled in my head and it seems like I just can’t figure out how I want to come across. Most times, I want to be graceful.
But sometimes, I want to be downright ugly.
Being graceful can be hard and ugly is not really who I am, so I find myself quiet more days than not.
Since we are no longer going through fertility treatments, I find myself withdrawing more and more from the ‘infertility’ blogs and articles because I feel like an outsider.
Infertile? Yes.
But my Facebook profile picture is of me and my son! Not-so-infertile after all!
Yet I am. My Facebook profile picture doesn’t share how long I fought for that son.
My profile picture doesn’t tell that I’ve lost two other boys. His brothers.
It doesn’t tell you that the little boy shown will not know what it’s like to grow up with siblings.
And infertility certainly wasn’t of my choosing.
Which is why I found the blog article I read the other day somewhat interesting. It was something along the lines of “What infertile women want you to know…” and the first thing listed that infertile women want others to know is that we ARE jealous of pregnant women.
I didn’t love that. I didn’t love being labeled as a jealous woman because I am infertile.
It got me thinking, though…and wondering…am I jealous of women with children? Living children? More living children than dead?
No.
I’m not jealous that they have not suffered loss. I’m not jealous that they have more children to raise than I do.
I’m jealous of their choices.
I’m jealous that so many women say things like, “My husband just looks at me and I get pregnant,” while I have had to spend years and years and thousands and thousands of dollars just to get pregnant….much less bring a living baby home.
The choice of how many children I get to raise and hear call me “Mama” is not mine and I hate that.
That’s what I’m jealous of in other women…not that they can get pregnant easily (or not)…but that I live a life where choices were not mine and I have to navigate it. Usually with little understanding but from those “who get it.”
Others get to live lives where they had a choice in the timing of their children…a choice about the time of life they were living when they had their children…a choice about how many they have and raise….so many choices that infertile women, and particularly infertile women who suffer loss or losses, do not have.
And most never will.
So, in reading that blog, I reminded myself that I DO have choices in several things. While it is no secret that I would love for Luke’s brothers to be on this earth with him, or for another unknown-to-me brother or sister to miraculously join our family, I have the choice to embrace what IS.
I can CHOOSE to be thrilled to raise this one and only amazing little boy I’ve been blessed with and I can CHOOSE to embrace all the wonderful blessings that can come from being able to pour all my time and resources into Luke. Instead of cringing with longing in conversations with other women about their pregnancies, new babies or plans for new babies, I can CHOOSE to accept only raising one on this earth with a most grateful heart and I can feel good about my choices NOT to continue fertility treatments that may be unhealthy for me and would tax my family’s resources even more.
I may not have the choices that a fertile woman has, but I still have choices that are only mine to make.
I can choose to be an infertile woman who is NOT jealous.
And so I do.
I’m small, but scrappy! I have a fierce passion for my family, friends and life in general…I’m a military spouse who has battled infertility for over 13 years, as well as the loss of two babies gone too soon. I love to laugh, and am grateful for every second I celebrate with the ones I love. You can find me at my blog Lori Does Maryland or on Facebook Lori Mullins Ennis or on The Twitter here Lori M. Ennis
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