Grieving Fathers, We See You

Fathers are meant to be…

Strong

Courageous

Brave

Protectors

Providers

Builders

Fixers

What happens when a grieving father can’t fix what’s broken? When he can’t protect his family from an agonizing goodbye as the life of his child quietly slips away, leaving that man standing beside a tiny grave, holding his weeping wife up with his strong hands?

What happens when his baby dies? What happens then?

His dreams are gone in that moment. Forever changed. His wife, his love will never be the same.

He will never play ball in the yard with his son.

He will never get to walk his daughter down the aisle toward her groom.

His mind is reeling. And he is trying to stay strong. Trying to keep it together for his partner.

Trying to hold her up, carrying the weight of the world on his strong shoulders… shoulders that are sagging from the heavy of this burden.

This Often Lonely Road: On Being An Angel Dad

He is sometimes criticized and misunderstood for his silence. What you may not see is how he cries in the shower.

What you may not understand is his need to grieve differently.

Sometimes alone.

He needs a safe place too, and often his safe place is different than hers.

In a world that doesn’t acknowledge his grief, he may never find that safe place.

My work as a doula/support companion for parents facing perinatal loss offers many opportunities to come alongside grieving dads.

Recently, I was speaking to a wonderful father at our living sons’ baseball game many years after losing his daughter. It always strikes me how uniquely each heart experiences grief.

I was grateful to hear his perspective.

It has been an honor to come alongside not only mothers but fathers too, as they say, hello and goodbye to their sweet babies.

To watch their strong hands tenderly care for tiny babies, gently wiping tears from their partner’s eyes. I get to bear witness to the most sacred acts of love in those moments.

I’m also a mother who watched my own husband wrestle with the need to be strong when everything is broken.

It’s so important to make sure fathers know their grief matters.

Grieving fathers, we see you. We see you trying to be strong. Trying to hold everyone up. Pushing to go to work each day.

Trying to find your way in a world with no fix for your family’s broken.

We see you.

\From One Grieving Father To Another

As we are often concerned with many mothers walking through loss, let us never forget the sacred love of a father…and the deep and real grief he carries in his strong daddy heart.

Not all dads are able to stand so boldly in love and protection of their families, even speaking bold truth in moments when it is needed.

For the grieving father carrying this weight quietly, you are not alone.

Your part in your child’s life and your family’s life are so important and valid….and so is your grief.

A poem shared in the Walking With You for Fathers Booklet:

It must be very difficult

To be a man in grief,
Since “men don’t cry”
and “men are strong”
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test,
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she’s all right
And what she’s going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
“My friend, but how are you?”

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But “stays strong” for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.

Eileen Knight Hagemeister

——-

Photo by Sholto Ramsay on Unsplash