Losing my daughter has changed me as a person. Part of me died along with her. In some ways I’ve become stronger and in others more fragile. I’ve found myself lost in morbidly dark places, but eventually discovered a way out. I’ve learned to cope with all that I’ve faced and I feel capable of coping with anything to come. I owe much of who I am now not only to my daughter but to learning how to let go. I have freed and continue to free myself of anything and everything that doesn’t serve me. This has helped me cope with life without her. I want to share some of what I have let go of in an effort to encourage anyone reading this who feels crushed or overburdened with grief.
Trying to get others to understand my loss
Losing my daughter was the most horrific, earth shattering loss of my life. I wanted the world to stop. I wanted everyone to know how much it hurt. As time went on and people moved on I found myself enraged at times. How could anyone pretend things were okay? How could anyone be okay when my daughter was dead?
As I processed my grief I came to the realization that I was wasting energy trying to make others understand my pain. I realized that it’s a pain they could never comprehend. Trying to make them understand was like trying to describe the color purple to someone who had never seen it. Impossible.
So I let it go.
I let go of trying to force the world to see my pain. Once I let it go, I was able to release a lot of the anger and resentment I was holding as well as reconnect with loved ones with a healthier perspective.
Toxic/Surface Relationships
Not only my perspective on life, but also my perspective on people drastically changed when Aisley died. When something tragic happens, any relationship without a strong foundation will crumble to the ground. It became clear to me who I needed and who I didn’t. I saw the people who were draining me, the “takers”. I saw the people who were compassionless, who thought I was making too big a deal of my daughter’s passing. I saw the people who were cruel and judgmental.
I let them all go.
Once my daughter’s chance at life was gone I realized how important it was to value my own. If this could happen to her anything could happen. I had to live now. I had to share my life with the people I wanted to share it with. I threw away the politics and the obligations I’d held myself to in keeping certain relationships. I want my life filled with genuine, kind, loving people. That is how I’ve lived ever since.
The illusion of control
While I’d often heard the phrase “there is no control in life”, I never truly embraced it until I lost my daughter. Until someone is ripped out of your hands leaving you dizzy and wounded you really don’t grasp that reality. Until then it’s just an affirmation. I learned the hardest way possible that I have no control.
So I let it go.
Once I let go of the illusion of control I was able to flow with the occurrences in my life with more acceptance. I let go of the belief that life owed me anything. What more could it owe me than the breath filling my lungs…the sky wide open above me…the moment I hold, right now. I started appreciating more and demanding less.
Letting fear stop me
Nothing is scarier than the thought of losing a child. Nothing. That thought – that fear – came true for me. I lost my daughter and somehow I’m still here. Somehow my life is still continuing without her. When your baby dies you feel as though you will too. But somehow you don’t.
It was the worst thing that I could ever imagine happening and it happened to me. It happened and I’m still here. What else is there to be afraid of? Even the fear of death has lost its grip of me because that is where my daughter has gone. While I still experience normal fears and anxieties, I don’t let them stop me anymore. They can’t overwhelm me because I’ve lived through worse
I was so afraid that my second pregnancy would also end in death, but I didn’t let it stop me. Now I hold my son in my arms – Aisley’s brother – and I love him with the same intensity that I love her. He has made my life better, though not my loss. Had I let that fear overtake me I would not have him. Losing my daughter has taught me to let go of fear and embrace life with passion.
I let it go.
In retrospect my daughter has taught me more about life than I ever could have learned without her. It’s very difficult to realize and appreciate these things after such a traumatic loss, especially early in grief. But embracing them once I was able has made me a better person who lives more authentically, all in honor of my baby.
{Your Thoughts}