I realize that I never really tell my story as a whole. I tell bits and pieces here and there and rarely go into detail. As of late some women I have known for a couple years never even knew I have had losses. Why don’t I speak of my full story? Well, I’ve grieved and mourned them and are a part of my history but they are not all of who I am, if that makes sense. That may seem cold and distant to anyone who is fresh in their loss and I’m sorry for that and I hope that one day the ache dulls, it never ever goes away but it isn’t always so crippling.
This will be long and may be a trigger for some, just a warning.
It started 10 years ago at age 19 when I got pregnant on accident, while on the pill. I didn’t even know I was pregnant until about 3-ish weeks before I lost it. My life at the time was chaos really. The father and I had only been dating a few months and were broken up at the time I found out I was pregnant. Some pretty crappy things happened; my mother pretty much told me abort or take my stuff and get out. I lost that babe at 11.5 weeks. I even had a nickname for it that I’ve never told anyone, ever, and I thought it was a boy. I grieved that baby very fast and then just forgot for many years until I realized it was ok to still grieve and to miss him.
In 2007, 6 months after stopping birth control I got pregnant with my second. My ex and I were excited. We announced it to our families on Thanksgiving, this time my mother took it well and was excited too. A few days later I went to Babies R Us to look around, as I was looking at a crib set I liked pain hit me so hard I doubled over. As I walked to my car I felt wetness on my legs, I made it home and saw the blood. I called the nurse line and the doctor I get told me, ” Well, 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage and there is nothing we can do for you, call back if you have questions.” and hung up on me.
On December 1 I ended up in so much pain that I called the nurse line again and this time a different doctor was there and asked me if I wanted her to call an ambulance to get me, I told her no that my (at the time)Fiance would drive me. We made it to the hospital and the Doctor was there and was really nice, I wish I remembered her name, she immediately gave me something for the pain and just made me feel as good as possible. She wanted me to get a vaginal ultrasound to make sure it wasn’t ectopic. I am wheeled into the room for the ultrasound and the guy is doing his thing and taking pictures and then asks me, “Are they sure you were even pregnant?” the only reply I could come up with was a barely audible, “yes”. He didn’t talk to me the rest of the time.
At one of my follow up appointments to make sure my levels were back to 0, the nurse asked me how I was, I started to cry and told her I wasn’t ok, she handed me a box of tissue and left the room with out a word. I waited about 15-20 minutes for someone to come back, but no one did. I was just alone and didn’t know what to do, so I left. That loss hit me a lot harder and my then fiance and I decided to actively try and get pregnant after that.
This was me just 15 days after being in the hospital, the look on my face says it all
3 years of trying and going through blood work, charting, and hsg, sperm analysis, etc, it’s determined everything is 100% as it should be and we have unexplained infertility. Fiance and I started discussing alternatives such as adoption. He was all for it except for he made this statement,
“We can adopt that’s fine with me but I will still want my own kid someday.”
That’s harsh enough right? Well it gets better.
I replied, “Well what if I can’t ever have a biological child?!”
To which again he says, “I will still want my own child eventually.”
SAY WHAT?! How is that going to work you may be asking, right?
So that’s what I asked, “How in the hell would that work? Do you expect me to let you sleep with another woman so that you can get her pregnant to have your own child??!!!RAGE!!!!!!”
He shrugs, yes he shrugs and says, ” Well, I guess if that is what it takes…”
I think I went out of my mind because I don’t remember what else I said or what he said, only that our relationship was done. This is real life here people. It’s dirty, it’s messy, it hurts and it breaks you. I didn’t ask for this life and never imagined it would be like this until my now husband and I got together.
Which brings us closer to present day. We had known each other for years and when we started dating we pretty much started trying to conceive immediately. A few months in I went in for some blood tests again to make sure everything was good. Husband got a sperm analysis, the nurse who called me with the results told me, “You don’t need to worry about him hon, he’s a stud!” Ha. My results were all good too. Once again we chart, we have sex everyday, every other day, take ovulation tests, try supplements, herbs, old wives tales, we even gave up for a few months to see if the myth of, “Once you stop trying you will get pregnant.”
You all are a bunch of dirty rotten liars and need to stop with that crap, seriously.
And I digress, sorry. I then lose hope, I lose faith, even my spiritual faith, I lose my sex drive and I lost myself. I think I became really dark, bitter and hateful. Then as silly as this may sound, I got my dog, Bella in late 2012. She has helped heal me and made me ME again.
My Bella:
All is good until spring of this year. I’m learning to accept not having children and starting to live life child free.
Then reality smacks me upside the head again saying, “Hahaha sucker, you ain’t getting off that easy, silly human!”
I end up having a weird period. It was short and light and just sort of off but I thought not a thing of is since that happens every once in awhile to everyone. Lots of little things in hindsight happened that should have told me to take a test but I didn’t.
Then May 9th this year after 6 years almost straight trying to get pregnant, I woke up to some severe pain and felt dizzy and like I was going to throw up. I make it to the bathroom and start dry heaving and the sharp pain that I recognized made me realize what was happening.
My thought was, “Are you freaking kidding me?! Is this real life?”
Then I started to pass out. Bella was in the bathroom with me because she knew something was wrong and as I was falling off the toilet I yelled for my husband but he was asleep still down the hall. I yelled again and landed on the ground, the moment I hit the floor Bella went nuts. She barked a real bark which is rare and just kept barking. She barreled through the bedroom door and the last thing I remember was her in the bedroom barking in my husbands face. Then my husband is there trying to get to me but Bella was standing over me sort of. I think I told her I was ok and she then let my husband to me. Mind you, this all happened with in I’d say 10 minutes from the time I woke up until my husband got me off the floor.
So there it is girls and boys, I was about 8 weeks pregnant and didn’t even know it. I had lost the baby before the 6 week mark though as pregnancy tests barely registered a positive. If I hadn’t started to miscarry I would have called them negative with an indent line or shadow line.
It’s been a really long hard road, one I don’t want to be on. I hope this puts the pieces together better for those of you who were curious and I’m super sorry this is so dang long, whew!
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