:: Anxiety :: :: deep breath ::
I was fine a few moments ago. A phone call changed my heart rhythm, I can feel it beating in my head.
:: deep breath ::
An appointment was made for next week and I know it will be in the back of my mind until it’s over.
:: it’s just a doctor appointment ::
A simple prenatal appointment causes my anxiety levels to rocket sky-high and to others it may seem irrational. To me, these appointments have been plagued with bad news. News that I can’t control, that I don’t always expect.
“Sorry, there is no heartbeat.”
“We’d like to schedule your D&C for two days from now.”
“I am so sorry it happened again.”
“You started your medication right away, yes?”
“No! You did everything you could.”
“Let’s increase your medication this month and maybe then you’ll ovulate.”
I have never experienced anxiety around doctors before. Yes, I have everyday anxiety, PTSD as I’ve been told from my multiple miscarriages and the stress it’s had on my body. It’s not unusual for my monthly cycle to trigger this same response, but a simple phone call from my doctor?
::That’s new. ::
Before this started, I had been through 12 miscarriages, I parent 3 healthy, living children, and my husband and I were planning to add a 4th child to our family. We had thought long and hard about it — weighting the pros and cons including the very real potential of another loss. We decided to go for it only to be faced with infertility this time around: I just wasn’t getting pregnant.
After months and months of doctor visits, regular blood tests, and medication, 14 months later that test strip showed 2 lines and it had finally worked for us. That battle with infertility was long, hard, stressful, and we were ready to take a break just before that test gave a glimmer of hope.
After, I found myself dealing with more anxiety than I had anticipated. Not only was I being faced with a very real potential of losing this child given my past, I didn’t want to deal with another go of all the waiting involved with infertility.
:: Anxiety :: :: deep breath ::
I found myself avoiding my OB — he’s very supportive and has been with me through so much, but I just didn’t want to hear any bad news. I felt over-protective of what I could control even though I know that ultimately whatever happens would be out of my control other than the few ways I could be involved.
Since then, I have been dealing with anxiety that seems to creep up out of no where and it feels much more overwhelming than usual.
:: how do you manage anxiety when you’re pregnant after infertility and/or loss? ::
Photo credit: image adapted from the real Kam75 | Flickr 
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