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Let me tell you a secret.
Sometimes I want to forget that I have a daughter that died.
Not because I don’t love her or want her or miss her terribly (I do). But because this road can be flat-out exhausting.
Sometimes I want to pretend that our rainbow son is our first child, so I don’t have to fumble for an answer that doesn’t hurt when people ask if he has any siblings.
I want to pretend that once you get pregnant, you always go home with a baby. I’d like to pretend that getting pregnant is easy. I’d like to pretend that pregnancy isn’t a terrifying ride with no guarantees. I’d like to regain that innocence.
I want to pretend that I don’t know how silently and swiftly death can enter in.
I want to pretend that I don’t know the fear that seems to come along with loss. I want to forget how easily my son could die, or my husband, or my other loved ones. I want to pretend that love isn’t that big of a risk.
Sometimes I feel exhausted from all this knowing, and I just want to forget for a little while, to rest before coming back to that empty place in my heart, renewed.
Do you ever feel that way, too?
It’s okay. It’s okay to be tired, to want a break. Grief can be a battle, long and unforgiving. Let’s be gentle with ourselves, together.
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About Beth
THANK you for your honesty. I can say I feel this way sometimes too. I don’t want to answer the tough questions or feel guilty about lying. I hate saying “no he’s our 2nd child our first one died.” My husband just smiles and never answers but I have to. I hate knowing the pain of losing a child. The reality of life and death sucks. Big hugs to you.. we are one in the same my friend..xxoo
I wish I could go back to the innocent days where I didn’t know any better and didn’t know anyone like me who did. I miss those days. I miss the person I was. I miss the people my husband and I were.
This is so beautiful. I have never experienced the loss of a child but I am a Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep volunteer and have photographed many families on the worst day of their lives and this really helped me today. I had a session last night and am so overwhelmed with sadness today. Even though I have never expereinced this firsthand I have seen so many situations and also would like to not know everything I do as well.
Jenni, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your volunteerism. NILMDTS was there for my family and I treasure the photos. While it is the worst day for too many of us, it is also the best day. Our loss was our first child (and so far only) who was stillborn and while there is such deep pain, there is also happiness in the amazing love I never knew existed. Please know you aren’t just capturing hurt, you are capturing love and even joy. I get a huge smile on my face looking at my beautiful baby. I wish you strength in each and every session.
And thank you Beth for another wondeful post.
Yes. I feel you on this. I wish that too. Even all these years later, sometimes…
Just so true… Thank you !
Back to the innocence. To before you really knew that the worst things imaginable can and do happen. Yes
So many many ‘sometimes’…
Just this morning I looked in the mirror and thought I have aged beyond years…
All the best, nathalie
I am also caught off guard when I look in the mirror. I can’t believe how the past 10 months has aged me.
Yes I am tired and I want to forget but I am so afraid if I do he will be forgotten.
Oh that question! I was recently asked “So you’ve just got one?” by an industry colleague that I haven’t seen in a decade… who’s own son was born the day ours was due! I weakly answered yes, but as the conversation progressed I suddenly blurted out “She wasn’t our first, just our only” because I related to the whole experience of being a second time mum as well. I always feel disloyal to my son when I say ‘just one’, after all, a mums job is to advocate for our children, right?!?!
I can honestly relate to this. I wish for one day I could go back to being that naive, blissfully pregnant lady, putting the final touches on the gender reveal party. The day BEFORE the ultrasound that changed our world forever.