There are a lot of things in my life I feel like I cannot control. Some are my struggle with weight-loss, my children’s behavior, and certainly not the fact that my twins died just a day after they were born. When I was a young girl, my room was SO messy. Disgusting, actually. It drove…
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Getting Anxiety In Check
Continue...I recently sat in my boss’s office for my annual evaluation. I teach 4th grade, and my principal had some data pulled up on the screen in front of us. “So,” she started. “What do you think has been the biggest change this year? Something you’re proud of?” I hesitated, of course, but, luckily, I…
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Knowledge Is Power
Continue...I’m guessing you’ve heard it before: No two people grieve the same way. We could go through almost the exact same circumstances and still feel differently. This is because we are so complex; we are made of so much more than just our current circumstances. Shortly after my twins died, in the midst of my…
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Don’t Let Comparison Steal Your Joy
Continue...There are days when I want to compile a giant list of all the ways I’ve been wronged and carry it around with me. As soon as I hear someone laughing or celebrating, I want to stop, show them my list and say, “I’m so glad YOU are happy because MY BABIES DIED.” This feeling,…
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Inviting Grief To Dinner
Continue...If you’re anything like me, certain dates haunt you. Your due-date, for example, or the day you got that positive pregnancy test. Admittedly, after 9 years, some of them are actually starting to dissolve, turn back into just regular dates on the calendar, as if there was nothing of note on those days. Then there…
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Healing Is Every Day Work
Continue...Someone recently asked me, “After all this time, and all the writing and speaking you’ve done about the twins, does it still hurt just as badly to talk about it?” I had to think long and hard before I answered. As with most things, there wasn’t really a yes or no answer for this. “Grief…
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If I Don’t Remember Them, who Will?
Continue...“Who knows. Maybe everybody’s end isn’t the day they actually die, but the last time anyone speaks of them. Maybe when you die you don’t really disappear, but you fade into a shadow, dark and featureless, only your outlines visible.” ― Ali Benjamin, The Thing About Jellyfish In April, my twins, Sophie and Aiden, will…