I have one child, one beautiful daughter, and her first birthday is only a few days away.
But we will not be celebrating her birthday together.
Because she is in Heaven, and I am stuck here.
I should be planning our matching outfits, stressing over the guest list, and the perfect cake.
I should be scolding my mom for buying way too many gifts for her only grandbaby.
I should be wondering how much is too much to pay for those first birthday photoshoots.
Instead, I am grieving. I am wondering if it’s strange to have a birthday party for my dead daughter.
If I do, will anyone come?
What will people think?
Do I still bake the cake?
As my angel daughter’s first birthday quickly approaches, I am filled with ALL the feelings. I am angry that she’s not here.
Why would God give her to me and then take her away?
I am confused. Why couldn’t they save her?
I am devastated. I am so lonely. I don’t recognize myself, this new person I’ve become.
This life is so unfair; I want her here with me.
But I am also so incredibly thankful that I got to know her, even if it was only for four short months.
I am still proud to be her mama.
I am still so filled up with this love that I have for her.
And I so badly want to celebrate her first birthday.
So that’s what I’m going to do.
I’m going to celebrate my only child’s first birthday, and it won’t be the way it should be, but
it will still be a celebration.
There will be presents.
They won’t be FOR her, but they will be BECAUSE of her.
They will go to the Children’s Hospital, the only home we knew during her time here on earth. And they will bring comfort and joy to the babies fighting the battles she fought.
There will be decorations. Pink princess party decorations. Balloons and streamers and glitter for days.
And there will be butterflies, beautiful butterflies released by all of the brave, compassionate, amazing, supportive friends and family members who have bravely stood by my side through this awful, ugly eight months without her.
And there will be tears. I know there will be so many tears.
And there will be love, so much love.
And I will absolutely bake the cake.