The laugh you hear.
The smile you see.
The tears that stay hidden.
All because I choose to fake it sometimes. Some days.
Some days the laugh is fake, the smile is plastered on and the tears constantly threaten to flow.
Why do I fake it?
Because people ask “What’s wrong?” and the answer is always, “Drake.”
I just want others to know this grief comes and goes as it wants but it’s always there.
I fake it because sometimes I don’t want to share.
I fake it because if I talk about it, I know it will only get worse.
I fake it because I want to; there is no right or wrong way to travel this path. Only what is right for me because my grief is my own.
I fake it because the time might not be right within my life since I have other children to consider.
I fake it because I might be in a situation that is not ideal.
I fake it because I fear friends and family get tired of hearing about it, dealing with my grief.
I fake it because I don’t want the question “What’s wrong?”
I could probably continue my list of reasons why I fake it but the truth is I do what I feel is best for me in those moments.
I have to do what is best for me not for others.
Can I say it is the best path to take with my grief? No, because I don’t always know the best path for my grief.
All I can do is just try.
If it works for me, then good, but it might not work next time since grief is different each and every time it arises.
The laugh you hear and the smile you see might be fake or they might be real because even I don’t know when my grief will hit next.
Marisa is the mother to 3 boys, one gone too soon and 2 keeping her on her toes. Drake died in 2010 at 12 days, 16 hours old after being pulled from life support due to injuries he sustained during delivery. Her other 2 boys: Aden and Gavin, whom she loves every minute with them.