It has been nine years since my firstborn son died in my arms and I’ve dealt with every emotion under the sun; multiple times.
Emotions that come and go as they wish.
Emotions that will sneak up on you out of nowhere.
Just the other day I was listening to songs on the way home, songs I’ve listened to many times before…but this day was different.
Why? I don’t know. These songs, the lyrics hit me differently and the tears came.
I can’t remember the last time I’ve cried – because the years have changed my grief.
This morning I was reading something about a woman who had lost an older daughter and all the things going through her head as she dealt with the aftermath.
Naturally, that got me thinking about my son. It made me realize that part of me died that day when he took his last breath in my arms.
I’m not sure if part of me has always known and it is now just being realized or it’s all-new.
I really can’t say why or how this realization has hit now, today.
I can say that since nine years have passed, nothing about this journey is surprising anymore.
A part of me died that day because my heart broke. My heart shattered. My heart ached and felt pain like never before.
My mind hurt going through all the whys, what-ifs, the internal screams, the feeling of loss and hopelessness.
I can say I’m not in the same place I was nine years ago, I’ve changed to accommodate my grief.
I can say I’m not the same person I was nine years ago, because this will change you for the rest of your life.
I don’t like the fact that part of me died when my son was 12 days old but I’ve learned that all I feel and everything that happens is because I loved a little boy who never made it home.
I grieve every day in a different way because I love and miss him.
I accept that part of me died that day and I will never be the same because death and grief changed me.
Most days I’m grateful I’ve gotten this far in this journey and I know I can continue.
Some days I feel pain for each day that takes me further and further away from that short period of time he was in our lives.
I’m not perfect, I’m learning as I go.
Marisa is the mother to 3 boys, one gone too soon and 2 keeping her on her toes. Drake died in 2010 at 12 days, 16 hours old after being pulled from life support due to injuries he sustained during delivery. Her other 2 boys: Aden and Gavin, whom she loves every minute with them.