the bassinet
seemed a more suitable option
rather than him taking you
in a black bag
they said that’s what happens
but I had time to prepare
and make it feel friendlier
so I bought the one
with pink polka dots
and months later,
I went to the hospital
bassinet in hand, with the sunrise
belly swelled too full
the greeter at the desk smiled
gave an approving nod
“it looks like today is the day,” she said
but my room
was not like the rest
at the end of the hall
away from normalcy
the crying babies
the common concerns
their naivety
white flower at the door
to warn others to be serious
because you would not
be okay
and when days had gone by
and time told us to leave
for new things
me in the wheelchair
you in your bassinet
across my lap
I was careful to attach
the matching cover
wanting to avoid the catastrophe
of someone peering in unexpectedly
on the way out, let me have
just a touch of pride
for all I had done
which was the same
as the other mothers,
but much more
give me the crumbs
at least the illusion
a sham of new beginnings
while strolling
past the onlookers
But she steered me out
another way, the back way,
the sterile way, the cold way
past the autopsies
the way death exits
the way shame feels like
to a black car waiting
with a man in a dark coat
and I held you
alone
in the back seat
while you laid still
in your bassinet
no car seat, so strange
I took off the cover
and listened to the music
watched the cars outside my window
life buzzed around
holiday decorations
and I looked back down at you
and said I’m sorry
and pretended
we were just going home
{Your Thoughts}