by Paula Neidorf
The word Grandparent – foreign, terrifying, symbolic of something I will never be in my life.
Another empty hole, this one unknown, imagined.
It brings a heaviness and heartache that is indescribable.
I had two sets of grandparents, and I reflect on the joy I had and the special things they did with me as a young child. I know that feeling was reciprocal.
Our only child also had wonderful relationships with his grandparents.
We thought our family of three was the perfect number.
My life was taken away in this subtraction problem.
3 takeaway 1 = 2.
It zeroed out my love, my child, a future, and a legacy.
As my friends were adding to their collection of grandchildren, sporting pictures on cell phones and facebook, boasting of the next event (rightfully so), I somehow suspected I would never be a grandmother.
I expressed that, knowing Kevin was busy living his life, going on adventures without the responsibilities of a family.
Having children, seemed for now, not part of his plan for fulfilling his dream. I was ok with that.
After all, he gets to choose his path, as an adult.
But there were days, moments, and triggers of watching others prepare for occasions I would probably never take part in, that I naturally envied.
At times it bothered me to see and hear about things I might not experience. But I had my son, and the future with grandchildren or not was still uncertain.
Then came tragedy.
Tragedy became complete and utter destruction.
We not only lost a son, we lost our legacy – a continuation of who we are.
Our nuclear family is gone.
Our future has vanished.
Never to become a grandparent represents a concept, a vision, the tip of the iceberg above water level.
It is a secondary loss but is just as destructive.
We, the parents of only children or all our children no longer living, have also expired from devastation and the longevity that would naturally follow.
If to lose your only child or all your children is the most obliterating thing on earth, then to have no one to transfer memories, albums, heirlooms, within what we would call the nuclear family line, is something unexplainable.
We were hoping for that, counting on it. Facebook sites about loss are questioning who now takes the legacy from us; the photos, memoirs, the baby clothes, the first hairbrush, the trophies, the baby teeth we may have saved?
So many of us have no one. Who do we hand the baton to?
Or will the most important essence of our love and memories wind up in a dumpster?
Realistically, even nephews, cousins, nieces, if you are lucky enough to have them, will have their own collection of things to inherit. They do not want our stuff.
My mind repeats words that bounce off walls, reverberates, and deadens me, words like…
emptiness
loneliness
longing
heartache
memorabilia
photo albums
remembrances
engagements
weddings
baby showers
preschool graduations
illness
nursing homes
caretakers
These words take on a different emotional meaning when you lose your child/children and have no grandchildren.
It’s Not Only My Dead Child I Miss
Navigating stores with pink and blue baby aisles – another daily reminder.
Playgrounds with swings, moms and grandparents with baby carriages, all trigger the complete emptiness.
Giggles, cuddling, comparing physical looks to personality between our child and their offspring… never to happen, all thoughts erased.
I now have no choice but to alienate myself for self-preservation, while I mourn, from those who continue to flaunt their children and grandchildren in my presence.
Yes, I say flaunt.
They know how I feel. Why then take out the cell phone in front of me to share pictures of their precious grandchildren?
Can you not wait till I walk away?
Holding their grandchild does not make me feel better.
Being substitute grandmother does not work for me, at least not now.
A friend posted on Facebook:
“When the child you love
Has a child you love
With all that is
Within you, only then
Will you know just how
Grand being a grandparent
Truly is.”
I will never have this experience.
I can only imagine.
I can only unfriend these people, hide their posts, and distance myself.
I want them to understand that I sincerely wish them:
*only good fortune
*a long and healthy prosperous life filled with many healthy and happy grandchildren
However, please keep it to yourself.
I cannot deal with it..
Please understand this is about me, not you.
Do not be angry if I cannot attend your baby showers, hold your new grandchild, hear your stories, or view your cell phone pictures.
Not Everyone Gets A Rainbow Baby
This doesn’t bring me peace, just angst and intense emptiness.
It is just too painful to accept that I will never have that warm, loving embrace, the cooing and the giggles of my own flesh and blood, or from an adoptive child I might have raised.
I could accept no grandchild if I still had my son, but not now.
This is a double whammy. No remaining children, no grandchildren, the worst possible place for any parent to be.
I am just trying to survive in a world that takes many things for granted as the “norm,” such as being a grandparent.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Thank you for writing this painful essay expressing the ultimate loss. I share your grief, your loss, your heartache, for you see I have lost my sweet, precious, only child, Kevin as well. Peace
I am so sorry for all of us, Jean. We chose Kevin’s name, carefully. It’s meaning…..”kind and gentle.” We reminded him of this often, and as an adult he lived up to his name, big time. I loved his name, and I loved him more. I am sure you feel the same way.
I lost my son Bryan almost 6 years ago at the age of 34. Although he had been married he had no children when he died.
My stepdaughter has four children between the ages of 9 to 23. They have been raised as my grandchildren with no reference to “step”. I love them all very much as my grandchildren. However I do not feel that they will carry on my “legacy”. They will inherit everything that my husband and I have accumulated but dont feel like they will ever know my family history and traditions. They wont feel the same about my stuff that I got from my parents and grandparents. They wont know about my family history. They do know who I am but not how I became this person. I will continue to love my grandchildren by my stepdaughter with all of my heart. However there is somthing still missing in my life besides my son that I cry for almost every day of my life. I love you and miss you so much Bryan.
Sandy, I think I can understand how that must feel. Whether we have our own grandchildren, or step grandchildren, it does not bring back our child. Try to appreciate that you have those you love to pass on some memories and tangible things, even though they are not a replacement and will not know the complete history. It sounds like you do. It is the next best thing, I guess. Maybe legacy is not just DNA related. They can still carry your legacy in a different way, I hope.
Thank you for sharing in such detail about these very painful losses. Some of the considerations I also buffer myself from and some of the considerations I hadn’t recognized yet.
Thank you, Suzie. I think, as we get older, our thought processes bring other things to mind we may not have recognized at a younger age. I am at an age, where these things are physically “finding me” and if not that, I am reminded of what some friends have, who are close in age to me, and that which I do not have. It makes it more difficult to be around those who continually talk about their grandchildren today, and I have had to avoid to leave those friendships.