It’s been three years since I’ve held my son, Lennon, in my arms.
Three years have come and gone since life as I knew it evaporated in a single instance into nothingness, forcing me to rebuild in the rubble of my broken heart. Life has changed in the years that have wedged themselves between my son.
And I have changed too. No longer do I take for granted the miracle it is to have a child.
Obviously, that doesn’t mean I don’t complain from time to time about the tedious nature of stay at home mom-life.
Loss, though, has taught me to really hug my children.
To be sure to look them in the eyes and let them know my love and to feel theirs in return.
There are days when I’m lost in grief and they pull me back and remind me that life is for living, love is for sharing and we can’t ever let that knowledge escape us.
Life after loss has taught me gratitude.
There are certain members of my family who are stoic.
These family members are so loving and kind but don’t often share feelings.
The same people who have a hard time being too open have also been beyond kind to me, offering support, acknowledging my son, opening up in ways I felt comforting and honest.
I am beyond grateful to anyone who has supported me in my grief but there is something to be said of those who risk a little of themselves to offer me comfort.
Living without my son has given me strength, courage and determination I never knew existed in me.
I have always been a woman who suffers
Crowds make me nauseous, public speaking leaves me trembling, and trying to relate to new people makes me feel inferior.
None of these truths have been able to stop me though. In fact, I have actively sought out opportunities that would demand of me to face the things that I once actively avoided.
Lennon showed me what the depths of pain feels like.
I know if I’m able to survive his loss I am capable of doing anything that makes me uneasy.
One thing has yet to change, though, is how much I miss my son.
I know that will never change.
Each year on his birthday, even when I am old and grey, I will think of him and share his story and mourn his loss.
I will carry him with me always, treasuring the fact that I was chosen to be his mommy.
Happy third birthday my Lennon Rhys.
Morgan McLaverty, a world traveler that has taken roots in southern New Jersey where her husband Sean was born and raised. Now, a stay at home mother, she cares for her three living boys; Gavin Cole(5), Rowan Grey(3) and Holden Nash (1). She also is a mother to Lennon Rhys. Lennon was born still at thirty one weeks and five days. His loss spurred on a need in Morgan to write her feelings, share her grief and help others in the process. She hopes her words will help shed the silence and taboo nature of discussing pregnancy and child loss.