I lost my son. He was 39-years-old, fighting mental health and addiction issues. It was an ongoing battle that most people in my small town were aware of.
We were once again on a journey to get things right after a long couple of exhausting years. He had moved home, taking a new bunch of medications for severe bipolar disorder.
It had been a good morning, but by noon something was wrong, and by the time he walked downstairs to go to bed, he was angry, and I was just too exhausted to follow and continue.
I found him dead in his room the next morning.
There was no clear cause of death but assumed overdose.
I do not even know how to describe that first year. But this is what I do know – before my son’s body was barely across the river bridge, the rumors started. Everybody had a story.
All of a sudden, people came out of the woodwork with stories and ideas on what happened.
My son was discussed in the area as if people were speaking of the weather, the score of a ballgame, and they did not care if I was in the room or not.
It turned out to be a death by his prescribed drugs, causing a toxic reaction — not illegal, and not one over the prescribed dosage.
I do not know how I survived. It’s been just over a year, but I do know that my intense desire to defend my son and introduce the real young man who was MY son became an obsession.
I now find myself in deep sadness. I am grieving as if it was yesterday.
All the firsts are over; some wonderful things have come to light, as well as more answers. Everything I was demanding.
But it did not bring him back. I am still missing my son.
The people I called friends seem strangers to me. I feel betrayed.
Small hometown football hero who they all claimed to love was now fodder for the gossip mill.
I guess if there was one thing I wanted more than anything was to hear some good stories. Because by the time the first year was here, I had heard many.
They came from people I knew but had never really gotten to know. There were so many wrong things to say to me.
When your child is an adult and dies in a matter that is a suicide, overdose or killed, in any tragic way that might infer a scandal, my advice is: do not do as I did.
I about lost my mind. My anger was all I could feel.
I didn’t take much time to be gentle with myself or the people around me. I have gotten to a place I don’t care anymore.
I have to find a way to accept no matter how many people I prove wrong; he’s not coming back.
It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way
I have to accept this horrible reality of my son dying at home under my watch.
Now I have people say to me, “You have to forgive yourself and try to move forward.” Who are they to give me that permission? So even though the hoopla has settled, I am stuck in a place of bitterness.
Yes, I have begun to see a counselor, and I no longer talk about him constantly, I don’t flood my social media with his pictures, or quote after quote on losing my son.
I loved him; he was mine. I know how much he loved me. I cannot stop thinking about that morning.
I don’t have a regular sleeping pattern, but I’m working on it. I’m paying more attention to my health and trying to get back out in the world.
When your child dies in a way others can’t seem to wrap their mind around, be prepared.
I think my battle with my home town was more about me than my precious son. It was a way to stay away from this deep sadness.
He didn’t need a hero anymore. His battle was over.
I try to send the love I thought I could no longer give him to him as if he’s just away in a different part of the journey of life.
I know he would not want me to live so bitterly. But I cannot ever see myself having much of my old self back — just pieces.
I don’t know if what I’ve put on here will have a message. But I’m still glad I decided to do this.
He was mine, and he was beautiful. I miss him so very much at this point.
My heart is heavy having read this article about a mother losing her son and her battle to accept his passing. It’s not just losing her son that grabs me but the idea that she has also lost herself. I pray for you everyday Miss Jackie. May you find peace through your love.
Thank you Katy. I have had some AMAZING old friends and new friends step up to the plate and it gives me so much comfort. Especially the ones brave enough to aknowlege and love not only him but the family he loved so very much…
J. Martin
Yes, even more than I could ever believe possible I lost myself in the madness of wanting to know everything. I never will. How could I and what difference would it really make now. I will continue to build on what I have left here. My husband, daughter, grandkids and my family. Its been a long 2 and a half years. The pain is exhausting.
J.Martin,
My son Brian died at 36 from an opioid overdose similar to the authors. For some reason people treat you differently than if your child died of cancer. It is sad because my son was a good person and he deserves more respect than what he has been given. I went to grief meetings, therapists, church, everywhere I thought would help me from going insane. I now take Paxil, the same Medication Brian took for anxiety. I have his cremated remains on a shelf in a box in a velvet bag. I wash the bag sometimes. Nothing makes me feel better, only my daughter and my cats. I don’t have to question their intentions, their thinking, their patience and love
Ivavna, I’m very sorry for your loss. No matter how one loses a child it’s devastating. I read in the articles here how deeply the pain is felt in so many different tragic situations. I think that anyone who’s not suffered such a tremendous loss cannot begin to imagine what words thrown out carelessly can do to a mother’s heart. Or any member of the deceased family. It does not matter what people may or may not think about us or our child the outcome is the same and our child is not coming back. Compassion and empathy seem to be a bit hard to recieve by some who seem to want to keep the ugliness alive. They have their reasons and only they know what they are, I guess that’s not entirely true because their secrets are really not secrets at all. I’m also learning it’s not my community as a whole. Some I believe it’s just too uncomfortable for them to aknowlege. I would never wish this pain on them. And many have already suffered the loss of a child and it’s hard to relive their own painful loss. I too take medication. I now suffer from a severe PTSD illness accompanied by anxiety and depression. Especially reliving that horrible morning I found the boy I gave birth to stiff on the floor in his bedroom. It was his old bedroom he had so lovingly fixed up to begin to heal in. I have difficulty with communicating with people. I really don’t have any way to tell you to just have faith and believe it will get better but I can tell you that there’s a lot of moms, unfortunately , out there to talk to if you are able to reach out. But in my experience it does us no good to battle the ugliness with ugliness in return. I will find a way. The right set of ears will hear me someday. I do believe that. I write a lot and sharing my stories help me. Bless you..
Jackie
Thank you for this article. Thank you for your honesty about the unbearable loss of a child. I lost my son 14 months ago. He was 35. It seems impossible to bear and yet I must. My heart is with you.
I’m very sorry Mary. That is I’m sure about the same amount of time my Eddie has been gone. August 16, 2018… His birthday is in December. The day after Christmas. I know how painful that first year is. The second almost worse sometimes. My heart is also with you.
My 28 year old son was murdered October 1st ,2019 this day also being my husbands birthday. He is my youngest my baby. His body dumped by who ever did this to him. They said who ever did it cared about him because they laid him down so gently there was no bruising or marks. Unbelievable and unbearable. They recently closed the case due to no evidence every thing is to clean. There was over four grams of cocain in his system but they don’t know how it got there. so we’ll never know how or why this happened to him. He was working in the oil field as an inspector. He was a body builder and loved a challenge. He was a beautiful person inside and out. He loved with his whole heart. Home town football hero and loved by so many. Well so we thought anyway. The rumors are awful and I’ve learned people are just awful. I still don’t sleep barleys able to eat. I don’t go anywhere anymore because I’m sick of all the questions and everyone’s theories. It’s hard enough losing a child to begin with I don’t understand why people want to add insult to injury. I feel like this pain is eating me alive at times. It’s true you don’t understand unless you’ve felt it. We have decided to hire a private Detective and not give up. I know it won’t bring him back but maybe it will let him rest easier and us to. Who knows. For now I’m just trying to breathe and taking it a day at a time. Part of my soul is missing and never going to whole again. I think that’s the pain that never goes away. Sending lots of love and prayers to all of you. Thank You for sharing your life I don’t feel quite as alone as did before. This is the first time I’ve ever wrote any of this down. I don’t want it to be real but here it is staring back at me.
I’m just broken.
Thank you,
Tammy Gass
Tammy,
Oh how I wish I could tell you it gets better and what a horrific thing you must be going through. I do not know why people feed off rumor and assumption. Other than in my case I had not always made the best choices in my life. But I was born and raised here 4 families back and so was Eddie’s dad… I will never see these people the same again. I am still bitter because I believe if nothing else he deserves a date and something other than undetermined…. I keep thinking somebody somewhere will hear me. My words will get to the right ears. I knew my son better than anyone and no matter my mistakes in life my God how I loved him and miss him. I search endlessly as I’m sure you have …being my own detective… I had the chief of police tell me she believed someone gave him something… And that’s been the rumor. But our investigative people that were qualified were all fired when the new mayor took office. This is a very small town and I know what I’m up against but there is not much more they can do to me at this point… I will never give up… So many things I wish I had done differently. You are in my thoughts and prayers… Please email or message me if you need to. I have met some very wonderful women. Two close by whose sons were also murdered… they both feel sick and broken but manage to make another day. I hope you know you and your beautiful boy are in my thoughts and prayers. I’m so very sorry for your loss…
Jackie
Jackie, Thank you for responding it means a lot. I feel so alone right now. It’s the eve of Kaydens Birthday and I keep staring at the clock. I always call my boys at midnight and sing them happy birthday. I’m just shaking and I know a flood is is coming. Anyway I just wanted to say Thank You. You can find me on Facebook.
Tammy Wynn Gass