It’s a word that is used so frequently these days. You see it all over social media, #blessed.
“Just got a free drink at the coffee shop, #blessed.”
“Made it to the gas station before running out of gas, #blessed.”
“Hubby bought me flowers for no reason, #blessed.”
Heck, there are even cute items to decorate your home with the word all over it.
Blessed. It means to be endowed with divine favor and protection. One of the synonyms for it is enviable.
I hear the word a lot from complete strangers when I walk down the street with my twin daughters.
“Twins?! Wow… you really are blessed.”
I smile in acknowledgment and cringe internally when I hear that word used in reference to my life.
I know that I am so lucky to have these girls.
I know I am so lucky to have the life that I do.
I know that I am so lucky to live where I do.
I know that others have it so much worse than me.
But blessed is not a word I would use to describe my life.
My firstborn child died. He was stillborn. My baby, whom I struggled to have, died before he even took a breath in this world.
Because of that, I am not #blessed.
My aversion to the word “blessed” in no way implies that I blame God for the death of my son. I fully believe it was not in His plan for Asher to die.
God did not “need another angel”. He did not take Asher from me. However, He did (and still does) mourn with me.
I don’t like the word used in reference to my life because I feel like it is a lie. Blessed would be having ALL of my children with me Earth-side.
Blessed would be seeing my son interact with his younger sisters.
Blessed would be never losing a child.
Blessed would be never living with a huge piece of your heart missing.
The word, blessed when used in reference to my life, implies to me that I am looked upon in favor, that I am special, and that my life is enviable.
Am I fortunate enough to have children after the loss of my firstborn? Yes.
Am I so very grateful for my daughters and all of the good things in my life? Yes.
However, I still lost my first child.
I still held his motionless body in my arms for only a few hours before saying goodbye forever. I still live with the intense pain that comes with the loss of a child every single day.
After living every parent’s worst nightmare, I don’t feel the word “blessed” can ever be used in reference to my life, no matter how much good happens in it.
Nothing about living the rest of your life without your child is #blessed.
Amy Lied is a wife and a mother to her son, Asher, who was inexplicably born still on February 19th, 2017 and twin daughters. Before losing Asher, she suffered a miscarriage and struggled with unexplained infertility. She has documented her journey from the beginning of her infertility struggles on her blog, Doggie Bags Not Diaper Bags. She is also a co-founder of The Lucky Anchor Project , an online resource for loss families that houses an Etsy store whose profits are donated to loss family non-profit organizations. She hopes to help others by sharing her journey as she continues to navigate the bumpy road that is life after loss.