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August 9, 2019

Between The World Of The Living And A Heaven I Cannot Reach

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Between The World Of The Living And A Heaven I Cannot Reach
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‘Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.’ – Ferris Bueller

There are moments where I stand completely still, and it’s instantly four years ago.

I’m cradling my tiny three-year-old, whose legs are disproportionally small, whose head is free of hair, whose body cannot sustain life without medical assistance.

There are moments when an entire day filled with school drop off, tiresome work hours, dinners, and baths, and bedtime – all seem as fleeting as a mere second.

Moments between the life of a child I’m loving and raising and the absence of one I had to let go – where I am completely frozen.

Torn Between The Child I Lost And The Ones I’m Raising

Frozen in time, between the world of the living and the dream of a Heaven I cannot reach.

What is so hard to fathom is that being split between these two worlds causes emotional, physical, overwhelming paralysis.

Paralysis that is permanent. Motion and progress and growth will remain fixed and incurable.

I, the mama of a beautiful angel in Heaven and an incredible child on Earth, cannot move.

Life continues.

Surviving Life Without You: How I Keep Living When Part Of Me Doesn’t Want To

And I standstill.

I cannot move. Stuck between two worlds.

Caught in the middle of a still life painting and an action film.

Still in a memory.

Sprinting through a reality.

Grasping at any branch, any string, any foothold that will tie me to my angel. While also stomping the clutch to push myself into a higher gear.

No object can be still while in motion.

Except for a mother with a child on Earth and a child in Heaven.

 

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Stephanie is the mother of one angel on Earth and one angel in Heaven. She writes a blog, parentingangels.blog, where she attempts to spread hope and love to other loss-parents.

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  1. Nicole says

    December 17, 2019 at 8:09 am

    This is so true, that line “caught in the middle of a still life painting and a live action film”. Such powerful imagery that explains this silent “paralysis” perfectly… Thank you. Love, a mama who is also living the in between everyday..

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Founded in 2012, Still Standing Magazine, LLC, shares stories from around the world of writers surviving the aftermath of loss, infertility - and includes information on how others can help. This is a page for all grieving parents. If you grieve the loss of your child, no matter the circumstances, you are welcome here.
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