Recently, I’ve found myself in a slump. Sort of a moat of misery of my own making.
I’ve held on to my sad a little too long, living in the grief of loss without taking a breath and realizing the joy that surrounds me.
I’m not saying it’s wrong to be sad. Be sad, but also it’s important to know that life after loss is not just about loss. I think I lost sight of that for a month or two.
It all started when the feeling of forever took root within me.
I will live forever without my son.
I will forever wonder what he would have become.
Forever, I will look at other children that are the age he would have been and smile, then cry knowing his life began and ended
This knowledge of a lifetime without my son settled upon me one random evening, and I cried as if the dams had been broken.
I held my husband close and said, “He will always be gone. Always.”
I felt the sadness. Then, instead of moving forward with it, I held on, tightly.
It was easy to blame things like my period, being tired, Mother’s Day – as to why I was so sad that tears were always just a breath away.
It wasn’t until my husband had a talk with my mother, discussing whether or not he should be concerned about my sadness that I realized I had held on too tightly to the loss of my son.
I lost sight of the life I had that needed living.
Grief is a beautiful thing. It is the physical representation of our love for those we have lost. It’s good to grieve.
It’s also good to remember to celebrate. Celebrate the community of people who support those who have lived through loss. Rejoice in knowing that your love for your child still lives in you, in your every breath and that there is no better way of showing off that love than to live fully.
Take comfort in the little moments that remind you of your little one.
It’s good to grieve. It’s also good to remember that you are alive. Your whole heart may not be intact. Pieces of you may have left you the moment you lost your child, but you have the rest of your life to nourish what remains while cherishing the pieces that are no more.
It’s good to grieve. It’s also good to live.
Morgan McLaverty, a world traveler that has taken roots in southern New Jersey where her husband Sean was born and raised. Now, a stay at home mother, she cares for her three living boys; Gavin Cole(5), Rowan Grey(3) and Holden Nash (1). She also is a mother to Lennon Rhys. Lennon was born still at thirty one weeks and five days. His loss spurred on a need in Morgan to write her feelings, share her grief and help others in the process. She hopes her words will help shed the silence and taboo nature of discussing pregnancy and child loss.