Content Warning: This post discusses suicide desire and ideation. We believe it is such an important issue to share because of the frequency these feelings/actions happen in child loss and infertility, and it’s not spoken of enough of in our community. If you’re feeling unsafe or considering suicide, please reach out for help: see the bottom of this post or this page for resources. You matter to so many.
May 5th, 2019.
I survived suicide.
Woke up this morning and thought of suicide. Nothing to see here, I’ve been thinking of it for years.
Sometimes the thought lingers as I put my feet on the floor.
But soon, I’m making my morning tea and feeding the dog breakfast, and I ask myself, is it normal to think suicide first thing in the morning?
I was a single mom in 1991 when Jacob passed away. I was 23, and he was 2.
My husband and I were divorced about a year before Jake died and although we grieved together, we were separated in our day to day navigating our new world.
Back then, I thought about suicide all the time: morning, noon, and night.
I was just so tired and too distraught to figure out how.
When my ex-husband passed away in a car accident in 1996 I thought, you lucky #$%^&!
Seemed unfair, really. I wanted to be dead!
I thought: he got off easy!
Seemed about right. He gets to go home and see Jacob, and I’m still here, waiting for my turn.
I thought about suicide. I thought about it so much that it just became a normal thought.
Not normal enough to talk about it. I was afraid my friends and family would have me put away, or they would put me in therapy for weeks, months, years.
If they only knew how much it crossed my mind.
But I survived.
Surviving the death of your child is more challenging than most realize.
Empathy, compassion, and understanding from others fall short on what’s being hidden from folks on the outside.
I spent more time making others feel comfortable in my loss. It was like I had something they didn’t want to catch.
I had to make them comfortable by assuring them they wouldn’t catch it from me.
Funny how that works. Even all these years later. You can almost feel the person’s reaction when they are told you lost a child.
They slowly back away, the thought is too much for them to handle.
Most say: I would die if my child died. I wouldn’t be able to survive!
Great, thanks for reminding me I haven’t died by suicide… more guilt.
Believe me; I thought about suicide before you did. I’m way ahead of you!
And yet, I’m still here. So I must be weak; I must not have loved my son the way you love your child.
If you would succumb to suicide, and I haven’t, that must be the reason.
But, I’m still here. I’m still standing.
I’m still on the brink of a suicide survivor, 28 years later.
It takes more guts to be here still than I even give myself credit for. Grieving is exhausting!
Even on a good day, I’m still sad.
The good and bad do co-exist, together in disharmony.
When my second Son, Dallas, was born four years after the death of Jacob, I thought about suicide a little less.
Of course, until I over thought and panicked about his death!
What if something happened to him?
Well, then it would be easy. I’d succumb to suicide, right away.
I thought this would be the easy way out, and I would never survive the death of my two children!
And yet, I have met parents who have lost more than one child… and they are still standing.
They survived, could I?
Dallas, my Son, is now 25, and I survived the desire to die by suicide. That doesn’t make me weak, and it surely doesn’t make me strong.
It just makes me still here navigating through this life, good days, bad days, days, and nights that seem the same as yesterday and the days before.
I honor my children, both of them. With my love and my life!
Now when I think of suicide, I think about how I survived.
———
How did Jacob pass away if you don’t mind me asking.. your story sounds exactly like a very close friend of mine
I lost my son (aged 7 1/2 ) compliations from a brain tumor December 16th,1996. And believe me I tried ….but, I’m still here. Then I lost my husband (age 53) 2014…..and oh I wanted to die and thought I would from my heart being broken again…but…..I’m still here….It’s a struggle everyday…..but….I’m still here. We are here for a reason , even if unknown to us.(Hugs)
I’m sorry for your loss. My first child was stillborn and I still miss her so much and get sad and depressed when I think about how unfair it is that she isn’t here with us. It has been almost 7 years and I’ve gone on to have 3 other children. People think that makes it okay and heal my sadness. But she is still my daughter and she is still not here; I love my other children and they bring my happiness, they make things easier and I don’t know what I would do without them, but their existence doesn’t make me forget about the emptiness of her loss, or just get over the grief. I am really sorry to read about all the other parents who have lost children. My thoughts of peace and comfort are with all of you.