I want to always share my son with anyone who will listen or wants to know.
But sometimes I am unsure how to bring him up in conversations, especially with people who don’t already know.
Sometimes I struggle with bringing him up with people who do know.
Constant struggles on how many times to talk about him, the right time to bring him up or the times to possibly keep quiet.
How much will scare others?
It is going on nine years, and this is something I continuously work on, something I struggle with.
There is no doubt I will never forget him.
I will never shy away from him, his memory, his short story.
But I also know that this is a unique topic. A devastating topic.
A topic some people don’t want to know, don’t want to consider, don’t want to listen to.
It is just too hard on them to imagine how hard it is on us. They can’t because they have not endured.
Only fellow loss parents truly understand us. Understand our constant doubts and struggles.
He is my son.
He will always be my son.
The world sees me with two boys, my heart and mind hold all 3 of my boys.
The world sees two boys and assumes that is all I have.
The true answers lie within.
As much as I want to share him, not shy away from him; I am considerate enough not to want to shove what happened to us, to him at everyone especially if the situation is not right.
How do we know when the situation is right?
Well, I have no answer, I am still trying to figure all that out myself.
Quite often if the question is asked… “How many kids do you have?”; which only happens if I’m alone.
This is easy to answer as it will always be responded with “3”.
Usually, that flows into asking ages, I always respond with “would have” and “are.” I use my words to express the fact that I have one child who is no longer here.
It leaves it open for them to ask questions if they feel the need, but it is a small way to let others know.
If it leads to other questions, I never shy away from a chance to share him.
I struggle with the whens.
I want everyone to know.
Is there ever an appropriate time to talk about him?
Is there ever an appropriate time to not talk about him?
I don’t want to scare you; this is not about scaring but about sharing.
People continuously state “That is unimaginable.”
Yes, yes it is but it happens, and it happened to me.
It possibly has happened to more people than you know.
People say, “I don’t want to think about that happening to me.” – Well, we understand, we did not think it would happen to us, but it did.
He tends to change the mood of the room once his story has been told. This is not something I can change.
I’m not saying I mind it; it allows those who have never endured learning just because I look one way on the outside… no one truly knows what is on the inside.
I can be smiling, laughing but it never means my grief is gone.
I’m not sure I’ll ever stop struggling with knowing when to share him with others.
I want people to know I don’t share to make you upset or sad; I share because it allows me to share what few memories I have.
I can share his name.
It allows me to remember.
I have dealt with my grief, and I will continue to grieve.
I want others to know about him.
His name was Drake.
He was born at 39 weeks + 2 days.
He was 6lbs, 15 ozs.
He is classified as a neonatal loss.
He died in my arms at 12 days, 16 hours old.
He died because he sustained injuries during delivery.
He died because he sustained brain damage due to lack of oxygen.
He is and will always be my firstborn.
He has two brothers.
I will never shy away from him or his story because this is all I have, but I will struggle with when and how to approach our loss with others.
I am not sure this will ever get any easier.
One of the many struggles I deal was as a loss parent.
Too bad I can’t wear a sign or something that says “You see two boys, there should be three.”
I will struggle, but he deserves to be remembered.
I will fight this fight for him.
I’ll struggle, but I’ll never shy away.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
Marisa is the mother to 3 boys, one gone too soon and 2 keeping her on her toes. Drake died in 2010 at 12 days, 16 hours old after being pulled from life support due to injuries he sustained during delivery. Her other 2 boys: Aden and Gavin, whom she loves every minute with them.