I am a self-confessed reality TV addict. If it’s on Bravo, I watch it. Give me Real Housewives of anywhere.
I’ve also been a long-time fan of the show Sister Wives. I’ve been fascinated by this family since the showed premiered. They seem like a real down to earth family, who happen to have one husband and four wives.
I was recently catching up on the most current season which surprisingly triggered my grief.
During this season, the oldest daughter gets married. I was watching the show with my husband, while each of us held one of our twin daughters (it was their witching hour).
We had reached the part in the wedding reception where it was time for the Father/Daughter dance. During the dance, my husband said, “I will be bawling doing that if our girls get married.”
Immediately, tears sprang to my eyes.
I looked at him and said “I will be bawling because I will never get a Mother/Son dance with Asher” as the tears started to flow freely. He looked at me with sadness and said: “I know.”
This quote perfectly sums it up.
“I don’t think most people truly understand how much is lost when a baby dies. You don’t just lose a baby, you also lose the 1 and 2 and 10 and 16 year old she would have become. You lose Christmas mornings, loose teeth, and first days of school. You just LOSE IT ALL.”
– Stephanie Paige Cole
Watching the show was just another reminder of a milestone moment in life that I will never get to have with my son.
I won’t ever get to see him crawl or take his first steps.
I lost the chance to see him go to kindergarten or graduate high school.
I won’t have the Mother/son dance at his wedding.
I lost all those moments when his heart stopped beating under mine.
I didn’t just lose a pregnancy.
I lost a child, lost the moments, lost the life I had envisioned with him in it.
Some days that fact is easier to handle emotionally than others.
Then there are the days where it doesn’t take much to trigger the tears of grief. A simple reality show wedding can do the trick.
Asher’s absence is felt every day, in every important moment of our lives, and every moment of his life that we will never experience.
Amy Lied is a wife and a mother to her son, Asher, who was inexplicably born still on February 19th, 2017 and twin daughters. Before losing Asher, she suffered a miscarriage and struggled with unexplained infertility. She has documented her journey from the beginning of her infertility struggles on her blog, Doggie Bags Not Diaper Bags. She is also a co-founder of The Lucky Anchor Project , an online resource for loss families that houses an Etsy store whose profits are donated to loss family non-profit organizations. She hopes to help others by sharing her journey as she continues to navigate the bumpy road that is life after loss.