Still Standing Magazine

A Bereaved Parent’s Battle Cry

A Bereaved Parent’s Battle Cry
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This is a bereaved parent’s battle cry.

I’m tired… tired of having to hide how I am truly feeling from the rest of the world.

Tired of having to put on a fake smile every time I go to work or a social event, so people around me will think I’m doing better.

Tired of wanting to post something about MY CHILD – yet I don’t because people are “tired of seeing that.”

So I hide.

I hide and post in one of my bereaved parent groups because that is the only place “I feel safe enough to show my real feelings and won’t be judged.”

Why the hell should I have to hide my feelings about my child?!

Do others have to hide their feelings about their children?

Do other parents have to watch “how many times” they post about their son or their daughter’s soccer games or recitals or first steps or proms or births –

or anything that they rejoice in?

Please Know: I Love Talking About My Child Who Died

No – you know why?

Because other people will rejoice with them!

They are not looking for pats on the back because they are that child’s parent.

They are proud of their children.

PERIOD!

So why…

WHY IS IT DIFFERENT FOR BEREAVED PARENTS?

We don’t have future proms…

or recitals…

or births…

or first steps.

We have memories.

That.is.it!

We post about our children because… we are proud of them just like any other parent.

We want people to support our memories with the same encouragement with which they used to support our accomplishments and milestones when our children still lived!

Say our child’s name!

Share a memory to our page of that child!

Rejoice with us!

Please Don’t Forget About My Child

And on those hard days when we post that we miss our child, and we say we can’t go on, whether it is two months or 10 years later –

please understand, we are not looking for a pat on the back or sympathy.

We want you to remember that child with us!

Please…

Memories are all we have left…

——-

About the Author: Anna Nalepka is an award-winning actress, and mother to 4 beautiful children, three here one angel in Heaven. She is doing a Documentary on the grief of losing a child called “Broken… But Still Here” A Journey through Child Loss and Beyond.
Originally published here.

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Comments

  2. beautiful sometimes I think all my family and friends have forgotten all about my son (Dennis). Thank you for this

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  5. This could have been written by me! My feelings exactly, I remember my aunty losing her youngest daughter, she seemed to lose her zest for life, a light went out along the way, she was never the same, I used to try put some happiness back even for a short while, make her smile/ laugh like she used to, but it was always an effort on her part, Now Im walking that path, my dear son, Ryan, Afghanistan 2012, and what a journey, changes every aspect of your life, with family, friends, and the way we live ourselves, 7 years in, very weary and tired

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    • I totally understand. It lost my precious son 15 months ago. I’m having a hard time Just getting out of bed every day and trying to find a reason to go on is difficult these days.

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  6. I’m tired. That says it all. I lost my son Steve to depression almost 29 months ago. Miss him more every day. I am careful what I post because of my 2 daughters. I know they miss their brother also but I can’t make my life now just about his loss. He wasn’t perfect but he was my only son. Family and friends….his friends…have moved on. No one mentions him much and it breaks my heart. Guess it’s a Mom thing……….

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  8. No bereaved parent will be upset if you bring up their child in fact we want you to talk about them! Bring up something that they did that was funny or that touched your life..no greater honor can be bestowed upon a parent than to talk about their child where they are here on Earth or in heaven

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  9. This sums up my Life now. All of it. As for posting about my Son, I have to think of the last time so I “push” it on others. I hate this Life. I just want to be with him

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  11. This is so true. I try to explain that it isn’t right that I can’t tell stories about my son. He lived for almost 29 years…so many stories, so many memories. Why do people feel that they need to stop these stories?

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  12. I love this, the words are exactly how so many of us who have lost a child feel. I’ve come to realize it is very uncomfortable for society to talk about death of a child. We parents need to make that disappear. All I ever want to do is to talk about my child. She was an amazing human being, and when I get to share her memory I am ecstatic. I wont ever stop sharing my love and unforgettable memories about her!

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  13. Beautifully said! I lost my son almost 2 years ago. When I post a memory or a thought of him, it’s always because I want people to remember him too. I don’t want them to forget him! It helps me when people talk about the memories that they have of him. It helps me with the sadness of missing him.

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  14. Thank u for sharing these words so beautiful & true! I miss my son very much! Ppl never mention my son’s name unless I bring him up first & when I do I feel like I’m making them uncomfortable in some way! It’s like I can feel that they want to change the subject real fast, which then leaves me feeling even more lost, empty & alone! I lost my son Jeremy fourteen yrs ago & I miss him more than ever, every single day! He was only 22, his whole life ahead of him, just beginning to live! My husband & I, Jeremy’s dad, have been married for over 38 yrs but we NVR talk about Jeremy! I nvr get to talk about him! My husband doesn’t let us! After Jeremy died I couldn’t talk about him in my own home, with my own husband, with his own dad! My husband refuses to let it happen! Everytime I try to talk about my son or just mention his name my husband rolls his eyes up & walks off! I’m not allowed to remember my son in my own home! I’m not allowed to keep his memory alive! I told my husband that I understand if that was his way of dealing with it & if that was the only way he felt he could get through it, I don’t judge him for it! I told him, but I live here too & I lost my son the same as he did & it’s not fair for me to not be able to talk about my son & remember him! To not be allowed to even say his name! I told my husband that’s my son too & I have the right to keep his memory alive, to make sure he’s not forgotten! I want him to always be remembered forever! It’s still that way, even now, nothing’s changed! He may have said Jeremy’s name three times, MAYBE, in the last fourteen yrs! If u didn’t already know that we once had a son name Jeremy, u nvr would know, not from my husband anyway! It hurts that much more when u can’t even talk about ur child u’ve lost in ur own home & to the one person u’ve shared a life with for that many yrs! This isn’t living! I get up each day, I breath each day, but it’s not living! I stopped living the day I lost my son! And now I’m not suppose to even share what an awesome person he was! He made me so happy & proud! He was the reason I am who I am! He changed me just by being the person he was! God blessed me with the best when he was born! He wasn’t here nowhere near long enough! I’d give my life to see his smile & hear him say “I love u mom” just one more time! I often wonder what the purpose in all of this is all about!? I apologize for the length of this, I didn’t mean to go on this long, thank u for listening & letting me air my sorrows! To other parents who’ve lost a child, my heart goes out to u! I’m keeping u in my prayers, I wish u peace always!

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  15. I struggle all the time. She is not here. She is not coming down the steps or driving into the driveway anymore. She is forever gone. So many people dont get that. We have forever lost our child and life is just never the same again. The pain is there forever. The loss is there forever. Going to a function and seeing people with their families makes my heart ache all the more. But I cannot live inside my house alone forever. I have to try to figure this out. How do i manage this? How do I process all these feelings, hurts, pain??? Not many people get it.
    There will be events that I must forge ahead and attend, but I have a big lump in my throat. My daughter will not be experiencing these moments. There is real loss and I dont know how to navigate this.

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  16. My husband lost his 42-year old daughter three years ago and he will never be the same. There are no words for me to say to him, nothing for us to discuss, no action to take, his light has dimmed forever. I will never forget the day that we got the news of her sudden death and I watched it tear his other children and former wife apart, and they are still in grieving and have also changed forever. It is so hard to watch and wait patiently and hope that someday a ray of sunshine will break through. Don’t think we don’t notice, we do, and our hearts are broken too watching your pain. Blessings to everyone who has lost a child.

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  17. I haven’t experienced your pain but I’m my lament workshops I see people voicing those feelings, crying, groaning, wailing about their sorrow, honouring their loved one and saying the things they want to say in a safe accepting environment where you’re allowed to roar and thrash if you need to but you are held safely by the group. . You aren’t trying to heal yourself but sometimes you just need permission to drain yourself of these pent up feelings that stay deep inside whilst putting on happy face.
    Lament is very powerful in this way and is a very ancient way for families and communities to navigate the loss of someone but it has been lost to most of us as a tool to deal with the pain and sorrow of death. In lament you remember the person no longer here, you speak to them about how much they’re missed you tell them how you love them. We imagine what it would be like to have them we beg to have the come back so that everything could be right again.
    It was said that in a cry or a wail, there is a certain ‘magical’ reverberation or ‘register’ of the voice that is hard for humans to hear but it reaches the dead The belief was that in that register of the voice, those who have passed can still hear you when you cry to them.
    We don’t cry anymore except in private but in past we cried and grieved together as a community, we held the grieving people and allowed them to express their loss for as long as they wanted to.
    Our workshop participants find huge solace and peace from grieving communally in a group and being witnessed in their pain and sorrow. These lamenting workshops are only happening as far as I know here in Ireland and Finland where we are reviving this old practice of lament which both of our countries have in common. However lament is universal it was in everyone’s community before we all became to ‘modern’ to cry loudly. Maybe we can help you to run something like this where you live? Keep honouring and remembering your child and keep crying and wailing for your loss. Write the words you want to say and find a comfortable place to hum and moan and cry and say those words of remeberence to your child.

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  18. My son Adam, my first born died 16 yrs ago. 3 weeks before his son was born. His mum took up with a wander, who bashed, starved and cigarette burned him. He was taken into foster care at 2. Took me a yr to be appointed his kinship guardian. He has been mine since 3, he is 17 in Oct. He saved my life

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  19. Exactly how I feel. I have deposited 2 angels in heaven. My 2 boys, they were born 11 months apart and died 2 and half years apart. I’m dieing in silence. The worst part is that I’m separated from my husband because of the loss so I really have no listening human to share how I really feel with on a daily basis. I can only talk to God but many times I just want someone to listen. My family doesn’t understand because none of them has experienced what I’m going through right now. I feel so alone but I know GOD is always by my side.

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  20. My Son Glen took his life Christmas Eve, 2018. He was 54, had just bought his beautiful century home was so proud of the work he was doing on bringing it back. Met a woman on one of the dating sites. I only met her twice, never liked her, I think she knew it because I never got to see my Sons home, never got to see my Son. He is gone, she has his home and I had to fight with everything I had to get permission to bury him. I am existing from day to day. I talk to no one about what I feel, or about my Son. He was my middle son. He was my Rebel, He was mine. I just want to be with him. So lost, so lonesome, I thank God I found these wonderful groups so I have someone to share with. God Bless, sending Love and Hugs to all.

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  21. I can so relate to this post. It has been a short 2 years since we lost our adult daughter. Talking about her, remembering her, especially with her kids, is a wonderful way to keep her memory alive. There really needs to be more openness in talking about our loved ones who are gone. Unfortunately, it does make others uncomfortable. The Lord has been faithful to us, near to the brokenhearted and been a Comfort in our grieving. We will see her again!

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  22. I am 3 weeks into the loss of my precious son, Andrew, forever 15, from a tragic accident in our home. I am lost. I am tired. People have stopped coming around. I know I will forever talk about him and remember him, but I feel that already, people are tired of hearing me post about him and my sadness.

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  24. I am so very sorry that even your husband can’t listen to your heavy heart. I heard your every word and I’m on your team with you. I’m glad Jeremy was in your life and continues in your heart daily. I bet he was a beautiful boy and young man. I believe he is at peace with my Micah. Hopefully, my son won’t get them in trouble in paradise with his antics. Hugs, Cheryl

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  26. I am so sorry for everyone’s loss. It breaks my heart reading all these post but brings comfort that there are so many of us who have lost their beautiful son or daughter. We are all this this awful club together but we have to be strong to push forward. I lost my beautiful son on February 3, 2018 tragically due to a drunk driver. It’s a struggle and I feel everyone’s pain. We miss our beautiful children. We miss their hugs. We miss their smiles. We miss talking with them. We miss everything about them. No one understands our pain unless you go through it. We do have each other to lean on so keep writing your thoughts it’s a part of healing too. Hugs and prayers to all.
    Chris

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  27. This is just perfect, I do share post on my facebook, sometimes I think twice about posting, I am happy for my friends who have children, some times when they complain on social media about lack of sleep. I remind them of how lucky they are to have those sleepless nights,

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  28. I lost my 26 year old son due to a heart attack and lack of oxygen to the brain, just 6 weeks ago. His brother died when he was 28 years old due to hypertrophic cardiomegaly (sudden death), 10 years ago and my oldest son’s twin brother when he was 16 days old. All I have left are memories and this post says so much of what I feel. I have no more children, no grandchildren, it is just me, that is all. People ask what they can do and I truly don’t know what to say.

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  29. I also feel that my husband would rather not talk about our son Sean,who has been gone for 4 years,I know he grieved as I did,but is unable to share his feelings.We do need others to realize we will always be grieving no matter how long our child is not with us.Talking about him keeps his memory alive,which is very important to us.So I love and miss you Sean,I”ll never forget you,your loving mom

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