Hey you. Yes, you. The family members/friends who choose to ignore the posts I make about my sweet son. You know who you are; just know that your absence in support has been noted.
I have stayed silent and tried to pretend it hasn’t affected me in the least bit – but I can’t stay silent anymore.
I realize there may be many reasons for your social media silence regarding my son.
Maybe it’s as simple and innocent as to not knowing what to say.
Maybe it makes you uncomfortable because you’re not good with the emotional stuff.
That’s okay. I get it.
In that case though, just simply “like” the post! It doesn’t even take a second to do this, AND it lets me know (a person you claim to have a relationship with and care about) that you saw my words/i.e., MY HEART, you heard me and my son crossed your mind today.
This simple gesture makes me feel a little less alone in this, and I really need that right now.
Maybe you think I post about Liam and the grief for attention.
Maybe in your mind, I’ve become addicted to the attention of it all, and you don’t want to encourage that kind of behavior.
After all, it’s been nearly a year and a half; surely things have got to be getting better and normal again.
Abandoned. But I’m Here With Or Without You
I am ashamed to admit this, but before I experienced this type of loss; this type of pain, I was guilty of thinking these thoughts as well. I felt like I was feeding into it.
I never stopped to think that as this person was going through their everyday life, they were living life.
They were busy being a spouse and parent.
They were busy putting their family’s needs and feelings first.
They were trying not to make their bad day, their children’s bad day.
They were keeping schedules and appointments.
They were trying to make conscious choices to enjoy this life despite the screaming and crying going on in their hearts.
They have to put their loss and grief on the back burner to get through the day and have the ability to smile still.
So when they were taking a minute to post on social media about how badly they miss their loved one…
Taking a minute to acknowledge their heartache…
Taking a minute to feel a little less alone in missing someone… they were, in fact, COPING.
Once again, a comment isn’t always necessary.
A simple thumbs up, a heart, a sad face, an angry face, a wow face; they go a long way.
You might think it’s “tacky” to grieve online, but I think it’s lonely not to share about it. It’s lonely for you and lonely for others.
Sharing about grief reminds those who are in over their heads in it, that there is a community of us. We can be in this together. It throws out a lifeline to a person who might be experiencing what seems to be a hopeless day.
An Open Letter to the Loved Ones of a Grieving Mother
I am one of those people who has grabbed on to these lifelines thrown out by others. And I will never be able to thank them enough.
So, to the family/friends who choose to ignore my son’s existence on social media, it’s been noticed. I’ve gotten your message loud and clear.
I hope the things I have listed will give you something to think about and maybe get you off your high horse and back down in the muck with the rest of us.
I still won’t expect your support on here, but just know your lack of support and thoughtfulness won’t keep me from posting and including my son.
He is my family, and I will never stop loving him and missing him. He’s not here, but I am SO proud of him, so I’m going to share him.
And maybe you have chosen not to be so open with your grief, but that’s your choice, and that choice is not superior to mine nor is mine superior to yours.
When Loss Is Angry And Apathetic
Please respect my choice to share my grief online and show that you love my son and me. When you take special care to like every other post EXCEPT those about him, it feels like you are telling me to just get over it already.
I am just finding my way and following the path I believe God is leading me down, but honestly, the hurt is still unbearable at times.
My son is a part of me and a part of my story and he always will be, so learn to be okay with that.
Photo credit: author’s own
Originally published on: https://www.facebook.com/aLegacyForLiam/posts/411258879687343?__tn__=K-R
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About the Author: Chloe resides in Nebraska and is married to her high school sweetheart. She has a stepdaughter, two daughters earthside, two angel babies and a son heavenside. Find her on A Legacy for Liam.
Dear Chloe, I feel you! I had a stillbirth 27yrs ago. Everyone avoided me, especially pregnant women. It’s truly the loneliness part of my life grieving my daughter Cara. I had a horrific birthing experience and a totally absent support system at the hospital and at home. People erased my pregnancy and that fact that I had had her and her graveside service. I went on to have 3 boys. My pregnancies were miracles that I had made past 30 weeks (barely). I still miss my only daughter. No one acknowledges her, not even my husband. It was a time when I couldn’t just “google” how to deal with infant loss. I had many regrets. I recently had a private text conversation with my sister after her granddaughter was born. I said “I had a girl and 3 boys like my mother”..she said “that doesn’t count”…It was like a punch in the face. It brought up that pain of my daughter not being acknowledged all over again. I just wanted to say ..I hear you!!
Yes this is so true. Everything she has said is true. Family friends strangers egnor you
your child has gone, been taken from you
and people choose to invalidate the horrendiouse insane soul pain you go through. You feel like your dead too !
People dont understand unless they have to go through this trauma that never ends.
God bless her and her child Liam. He will always be beside her and in her heart.
There is NO “Time Table” for grief! People who have never experienced profound loss, or who stuff it wayyyy down deep inside, or just don’t feel grief as intensly as others when they do have a loss, have no right to decide when someone elses grieving time should have passed.
I lost a baby on Christmas Day. I lost another before conceiving my 2nd bio child, and my very closest friend I EVER had was brutally murdered. I found her. I lost a Nephew on his way to go tell his Mom he had just proposed to his girlfriend. A freak car accident, that no one could have ever expected. He was’nt drinking, he was in a dangerous Construction Zone. Irony? He was a Professional Bullrider. 23, and gone. I could go on about a few other losses of children in the family. My point is that this woman’s Grief is REAL. She may learn to live with her grief, in such a way that she seems to function very normally. She may and has had other children ( as I did) after her loss. And that’s wonderful. It’s joyful, a blessing. But she will never NOT miss that baby. That baby, ( or child, or someone close to you’s child) DID IN FACT EXIST! And to pretend otherwise, or to try and negate that fact by saying, or thinking “Well, that one doesn’t really count” for whatever reason you may think it ( it’s easier for YOU to ignore the loss after a period of time, because to keep acknowledging the loss somehow is too inconvienant, and takes too much effort on your part, and let’s face it, it makes it so REAL) is the same as saying ” I don’t have time for your issue”. We don’t do it to people who are Chronically ill. ( well, actually, someone people do) we don’t normally do it to people who have suffered other types of losses.
It’s pretty forthright, and simple. Whether a person is family, friend, or casual acquaintance:
If they express to you that they are suffering from grief, you owe it to them to acknowledge that, with compassion. NOT give them some simple platitude to shut them up, because the ” feelings” are too much or too time consuming for you to deal with.
If someone who has suffered loss, only wants to remind others of that baby’s existence, acknowledge it. It’s the very least you can do to help them. Listen to them actively. You may one day be in their place.