Hey you. Yes, you. The family members/friends who choose to ignore the posts I make about my sweet son. You know who you are; just know that your absence in support has been noted.
I have stayed silent and tried to pretend it hasn’t affected me in the least bit – but I can’t stay silent anymore.
I realize there may be many reasons for your social media silence regarding my son.
Maybe it’s as simple and innocent as to not knowing what to say.
Maybe it makes you uncomfortable because you’re not good with the emotional stuff.
That’s okay. I get it.
In that case though, just simply “like” the post! It doesn’t even take a second to do this, AND it lets me know (a person you claim to have a relationship with and care about) that you saw my words/i.e., MY HEART, you heard me and my son crossed your mind today.
This simple gesture makes me feel a little less alone in this, and I really need that right now.
Maybe you think I post about Liam and the grief for attention.
Maybe in your mind, I’ve become addicted to the attention of it all, and you don’t want to encourage that kind of behavior.
After all, it’s been nearly a year and a half; surely things have got to be getting better and normal again.
Abandoned. But I’m Here With Or Without You
I am ashamed to admit this, but before I experienced this type of loss; this type of pain, I was guilty of thinking these thoughts as well. I felt like I was feeding into it.
I never stopped to think that as this person was going through their everyday life, they were living life.
They were busy being a spouse and parent.
They were busy putting their family’s needs and feelings first.
They were trying not to make their bad day, their children’s bad day.
They were keeping schedules and appointments.
They were trying to make conscious choices to enjoy this life despite the screaming and crying going on in their hearts.
They have to put their loss and grief on the back burner to get through the day and have the ability to smile still.
So when they were taking a minute to post on social media about how badly they miss their loved one…
Taking a minute to acknowledge their heartache…
Taking a minute to feel a little less alone in missing someone… they were, in fact, COPING.
Once again, a comment isn’t always necessary.
A simple thumbs up, a heart, a sad face, an angry face, a wow face; they go a long way.
You might think it’s “tacky” to grieve online, but I think it’s lonely not to share about it. It’s lonely for you and lonely for others.
Sharing about grief reminds those who are in over their heads in it, that there is a community of us. We can be in this together. It throws out a lifeline to a person who might be experiencing what seems to be a hopeless day.
An Open Letter to the Loved Ones of a Grieving Mother
I am one of those people who has grabbed on to these lifelines thrown out by others. And I will never be able to thank them enough.
So, to the family/friends who choose to ignore my son’s existence on social media, it’s been noticed. I’ve gotten your message loud and clear.
I hope the things I have listed will give you something to think about and maybe get you off your high horse and back down in the muck with the rest of us.
I still won’t expect your support on here, but just know your lack of support and thoughtfulness won’t keep me from posting and including my son.
He is my family, and I will never stop loving him and missing him. He’s not here, but I am SO proud of him, so I’m going to share him.
And maybe you have chosen not to be so open with your grief, but that’s your choice, and that choice is not superior to mine nor is mine superior to yours.
When Loss Is Angry And Apathetic
Please respect my choice to share my grief online and show that you love my son and me. When you take special care to like every other post EXCEPT those about him, it feels like you are telling me to just get over it already.
I am just finding my way and following the path I believe God is leading me down, but honestly, the hurt is still unbearable at times.
My son is a part of me and a part of my story and he always will be, so learn to be okay with that.
Photo credit: author’s own
Originally published on: https://www.facebook.com/aLegacyForLiam/posts/411258879687343?__tn__=K-R
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About the Author: Chloe resides in Nebraska and is married to her high school sweetheart. She has a stepdaughter, two daughters earthside, two angel babies and a son heavenside. Find her on A Legacy for Liam.
This is well written Chloe. I have several family and friends who have lost a child and know how social media can help with the grieving process. Facebook was one of my life preservers when I lost my husband to suicide. Still I have had a similar experience with a few friends as a widow when I post about my husband. The lack of support does not go unnoticed. I chalk it up to pure ignorance. Often I think- how fortunate are they to NOT have the understanding of what it means to grieve so intensely.What they fail to grasp is that the love we feel and the intense pain in mourning our loved one never fades away. As you said we carry on, but out hearts ache with every breath we take. We learn to manage the pain but it’s a forever grief. Sharing our experience allows others to feel a little less alone. And speaking our loved ones name should never cease. Much love to you today and always.
My heart is with you and your family. When we lost our son are friends and family were there to support us. At about 3 weeks you stop being invited to parties, dinner anywhere. My grief wasn’t there problem. I put up a wall around me and grieved privately. I had 2 great friends who stood with me and cried with me as I buried my 19yo son. Two years ago a friend I went to nursing school called me to tell me her son Daniel had passed. She waited 4 months to tell me. I would have been with her immediately had I known. She said she was embarrassed on how she avoided me on the loss of my son. During a class on grief I let go how people do and say hurtful things. I implored them to think before you spoke. Losing 99 yo Grandmother is nor the same as losing your 19 yo son. I learned on the day of my sons death who are my true friends. Debbie(my twin sister from another mother) and Donna who I was blessed to meet when are children were 7. We share stories of our children doing crazy and stupid things and how she always saw the good in his soul. We have prayed together and for each other. My 8yo nephew summed it up when his brother passed. The pain of grieving is always with you but with time you get used to it.
How I cope- We talk about Timmy and Kevin (they lived, they loved) we keep them alive in our hearts, we know when they are with us, we know we were loved as they were know they live in our hearts and souls. My prayers to all grieving for their loved ones. We will be reunited together when the Lord says it’s time. I know my son probably laughs and says,”she won’t stop hugging and kissing me when we meet again”
When my son died I was very surprised on both sides of it. I was surprised at the people who really showed up for me and were so kind…even strangers. On the other hand, I was very dismayed at the people who ignored and never offered condolences. I felt very similar about people thinking I wanted attention. No, I didn’t want it. I needed some compassion, mercy, and yes attention/acknowledgement of the hurt and devastation. People who have never been through it have no idea. I almost think they stay away because they’re afraid it’s contagious (it’s their worst nightmare too). I was so truly grateful to those who reached out to me. People also seem to want you to get over it quickly so they can be more comfortable.