Our struggle with infertility took me to my absolute lowest emotional point (up until losing our firstborn child). I went from being that supportive, positive friend to someone who despised everyone who was pregnant or had children.
I was bitter and angry.
I struggled to contain that anger and snapped at people often. Unconsciously, I placed that bitterness and anger on a few select people. I pulled away from them as a result. It was hard work to keep up the façade of being happy when I was broken inside. It was easier to distance myself, rather than to subject them (and myself) to those feelings.
My outlook on life changed as a result of our struggle. I went from speaking in “definites” to speaking in “ifs”. I no longer knew that we would have children. What I knew was that we were struggling and there was a very real possibility it might not happen for us. I may not ever be able to have a child while others, who I felt weren’t deserving of the title of “mother”, continued to procreate. Each announcement caused me to spiral further and further into the pit of resentment.
Even though our son was stillborn and we have since been fortunate enough to have twin daughters (via fertility treatments), the feelings I felt during my lowest point with infertility will always stay with me. I know many women who have struggled that go on to have children. If you talk to them about infertility, they can immediately relate to your pain. They are taken right back to their own struggle and the feelings they had during that difficult time.
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Infertility is not just a moment in your life that you can eventually “get past”, it is a turning point in your life that permanently alters you.
Even if you are able to go on and “beat” infertility, you never forget the struggle. The struggle that made you bitter, angry, grateful, stronger and anything else you may have experienced on your monthly roller coaster rides is forever ingrained within you.
Featured Photo by Hello I’m Nik on Unsplash
Amy Lied is a wife and a mother to her son, Asher, who was inexplicably born still on February 19th, 2017 and twin daughters. Before losing Asher, she suffered a miscarriage and struggled with unexplained infertility. She has documented her journey from the beginning of her infertility struggles on her blog, Doggie Bags Not Diaper Bags. She is also a co-founder of The Lucky Anchor Project , an online resource for loss families that houses an Etsy store whose profits are donated to loss family non-profit organizations. She hopes to help others by sharing her journey as she continues to navigate the bumpy road that is life after loss.