We blew bubbles for you again. Many bubbles. Your brother loves chasing them and I love seeing them fly up and away. I hoped they reached you.
I just wish you were here.
Every day it feels like you drift farther from my thoughts, my memories. I try so hard to remember everything, to hold on to you longer. But I can’t.
Instead, I take some comfort in knowing that every day that passes, I am just getting closer to where you are. I am dreaming of the day I will get to see you again. I dream of it all the time. It is my new hope.
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You have given me the courage to no longer fear death but to welcome it. Because it will be when we will be together again. My baby. You showed me courage. You showed Mommy how to not fear. When your heart finally stopped beating, but mines continued to go on without you. I saw you slip through my arms and away. You were so brave, little boy. So very brave.
One day, I am hoping I will forget all this, or at least, forget all the pain, of missing you from the depths of my heart. This aching, bleeding heart. Feels like a permanent wound, and the stabbing continues. Every moment, it hurts. This yearning for you that will be unfulfilled here. But there, I will forget this. There, all will be well. Our new home together.
But for now, I will take this pain, if I can remember you. I will take this pain if you can be free from pain. I will always love you, baby. And one sweet day, I will be with you forever. That is my new hope. And it will be my dream come true.
Photo by Julie Laiymani on Unsplash
Tina Chung is a wife to Ivan, and mother to two lovely and special little boys, Mattias and Izaiah. Mattias has some special needs, being diagnosed with 13Q Interstitial Deletion, and his little brother, Izaiah was diagnosed during pregnancy with Trisomy 18, or Edwards Syndrome, which is a severe genetic anomaly with an almost inevitable “fatal” prognosis. Izaiah was born on July 19, 2017, and lived 7.5 months, and his story and short but precious life have touched the hearts of many. Tina’s faith journey with Izaiah can be found at https://lovingizaiah.