Deeply, I wanted you
Bravely, I fought
Trusting to be with you
Instead, I’m at loss.
Gratefully, I carried you
Painfully, delivered you
Heartbreakingly lost you
Into the hands of God.
You knew the sound of my voice
The steady rhythm of our choice
To love and keep you well, my dear
For all the days you had numbered here.
Not one. Not even one moment with me
Instead, your first breath was eternity
I held you close, though cold and frail
You were mine to love. You were mine to care.
Silence never hurt so bad
It pains me to wake with empty hands
My life is less without you here
But I know your life is better – free
Why did you have to go so soon?
And leave me with an empty womb
The only hope I have today
Is that I might see you again one day.
Your kicks, they reminded me
Just how wondrous motherhood can be
Your heartbeat, a lifeline of mine
It moved me to tears every time.
If ever I have doubted a God above
A headship, or a higher power
I know now that one must exist
They are blessed to have you – to hug and to kiss.
Your sister, will never know you
Your brother, would have adored you
Your Father, dreams of raising you
Your Mother, aches to hold you
Your birth planted a seed of grace
To face this nightmare I will replay
Over and over again in my head
Trying to make sense of this brutal end.
Death’s grip was stronger than my desire to keep you
Helpless, I had to succumb.
It angers me that God did not leave you
Here with me. He knows I adore you.
The plans we’ve made
The trips we’d take
Walking to and from the lake
Have all gone up in a raging fire
All but a shattered dream…
Darkness has taken over now
Joy, but a fading memory
But not forever as you’ll see
Love will grow inside of me
I may have lost my heart to death
But this is where death loses depth:
Heaven gained an angel, soft
Sadness weaved our hearts, strong
Mercy, opened my eyes to see
Greatness in people, greatness in me
Gratitude, will overtake
My life is rich in spite of heartache.
Death, you may have gripped my heart
But you did not win this war
My son, you see, lives inside of me
His life will be a legacy.
Oliver Matthew, while we do ache
Dreaming of a life we cannot create
We promise to go from here, in hope
Love and courage will help us cope.
Because of you, I was forced to look up
Humbled at the very thought
If a Creator does in fact exist
There you are, by His side, with the Highest.
Enough wasted mind space on what life could be
We choose to live now – intentionally
We choose to make the most of every day we are given
And trust that God’s grace will rebuild again.
Until we meet again, sweet boy
I promise to be better, to seek out new joy
I promise to trade-in my tainted perspective:
That life ends here, with endless depression.
You’ve shown us how to love in pain
To journey-on in grace and heartache
You’ve shown us all humility
A need for a Savior – our desperate plea
I will ache for you all the days of my life
But I will not give up my desire to strive
It pains me, deeply, to let you go
But where you are, death has no hold.
This is where death will die
Where hell loses power. No angels will cry.
In the hands of our Creator, there you will be
Forever guiding us toward eternity.
Dear God, give me strength to live again
Our son would want us to love, to forgive.
Sweet mercy, if in fact you are there
Please fill us with your tender care.
We release you, son, to the hands of God
Where pain has no home; where fear is not found
Your reflection in, still waters and sky
Will be a guiding light of your legacy, wide.
Originally Published on http://www.nurturecalls.com/2019/01/a-silent-birth.html
About the author: Kaley is a wife of fifteen years and a mother of four, who passionately serves women and families in the greater Grand Rapids area of Michigan. As a photographer, blog writer, birth support, and committed friend, she has proven to be a trusted support in the community. While her skill-set is vast, she is best known for her work as a boudoir photographer. She recently graduated from Cornerstone University in Grand Rapids, MI with a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology. Kaley is passionate about health and wellness and continues to pursue higher education.