Mondays are always the hardest for me. Especially after a weekend of having my little man be so good and me being genuinely able to treasure every single moment I had with him.
And there are some days when the feels (good and bad) just really hit me.
This morning on my way to work was one of them the sad feels got me.
Since having my rainbow baby, I’ve had a hard time figuring out how to enjoy being happy with this little person we’ve created.
Don’t get me wrong – I love him to pieces and our new life together, but I can’t help but go to the place where the “I wonders” and “What ifs” creep in.
For anyone that has lost a baby, you might understand these thoughts a little more than most… but I need to get some of the ideas on what being a parent is like after having one that died.
It’s not easy to say a lot of these things… and I’ve decided, that’s ok!
In the moments after having our son Blake and they placed him in my arms, I couldn’t help but search for the first sweet boy, Thomas Norman, that we lost not even a year before.
In the first few days and weeks at home with Blake, I couldn’t fully let myself love him, worried that somehow this world could be so cruel to take another baby from me.
I still worry about that, and I’ve decided that it’s ok.
I feel so different from other new and first time moms – I almost envy their pure joy and happiness they get to feel so quickly but I feel robbed off most days.
But it’s ok.
There are days, like today, that the grief comes back so fiercely and will probably stick around for a while because Blake is a constant reminder of a life that did not get to live.
But it’s ok because this is the way I get to love my baby that died.
It’s ok that I catch myself regularly checking the monitor or him to make sure he’s breathing.
It’s ok that I struggle every morning to drop him off at daycare because I worry about him always and worry that everything is going well.
I hate the feeling of leaving him, not because I don’t think he is well cared of, I know that he is, but because I’d much rather be the one doing it.
I feel so overbearing some days while he’s at daycare, continually checking in on him make sure things are going well. I’m probably driving them crazy some days!
But I can’t help it… and that’s ok.
It’s ok that I still struggle with how to answer the question, “Is he your first?” It will be a lifelong battle on how to answer this question.
I never, ever want to leave Thomas out, but I also don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.
But then again, it’s not about them being uncomfortable… it’s about acknowledging all of my children in a way that helps me.
People might come to regret asking that question because usually, it’s an innocent question, it might get awkward, and that’s ok.
I’m not always ok, and that I’ve come to learn is ok!