Oh Facebook memories, we have a love-hate relationship.
I didn’t realize today was the 3-year anniversary of my son’s memorial… until you shoved it in my face. Thanks for that. Your pitch always seems so inviting, “You have memories.” Like a friend pulling you in for a hug and a walk down memory lane.
It was quite the opposite.
Even now, a scroll through posts of old has the ability to warm my heart and bring a smile. Today, my heart immediately dropped into the pit of my stomach.
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I wanted to throw up.
There are certain days I know what to expect. His birthday. Christmas, which also marks his death. Yet, I realized I never tracked this date as a milestone. To be honest, I was in such a fog at that time I don’t even remember what day his memorial occurred.
I continued scrolling through the posts. Each one with a like or comment from me. Yet, I was reading them with fresh eyes as if it were the first time. I don’t recall a single one. There is something to be said for grief amnesia.
With each post, my wound was ripped open raw. How easily we can slip back into a moment and have it feel so real… as if no time had passed.
Balloons filled my feed. My heart felt the same hopeless feeling that flooded it for months following his death.
Most days, I welcome those memories. Today, it felt different.
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A new milestone was claimed. One I previously had no awareness of. It’s funny how that continues to happen.
I understand why many choose to leave the world of social media following their loss. Between old memories and constant images of happy families, reminders of what you are missing, there are so many minefields. It’s impossible to prepare yourself and predict when one will be a trigger.
These are the things we must learn to navigate. I just wish I had a little more control and awareness over when they will show up.
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