I am a broken record. In just a few months, it will have been TEN years since my twins were born and died.
And for each and every one of those years, I feel like I have been stuck on repeat.
“But, they died!” seems like my answer to everything.
“But wait! I have a reason to be sad! I have a reason to feel this way! It’s logical that I have anxiety and not a whole lotta self-confidence! Can’t you see? They died!”
I thought of ways I could help rid the unsettled feeling that is wedged in between my ribs.
I started writing, giving speeches, reaching out.
I wrote an entire book and I left no stone unturned as I screamed my babies names.
I dedicated my life to remember them.
I forged ahead, making my own path through.
Related: If I Don’t Remember Them, Who Will?
And in the end, after all that, I’m still here, stuck on repeat.
Every time I mention their names or talk about infant loss awareness, I see people shrinking away.
She says she is moving forward but is she?
She says she’s fine, but I really don’t think so.
And they’re probably right. I do feel stuck.
After all of this, I feel stuck.
But, honestly, I feel like that’s where I should be.
Because when I am left alone with my thoughts and those sweet babies pop into my mind, that is okay.
In fact, it is completely normal. To remember is to love, and man is my heart full of love.
In the end, stuck is not the right word.
Broken record is not the correct description. So, what is it then?
I am persistent.
Persistent in my love, persistent in my memories, and persistent in my outreach.
We are here for a reason.
We are persistent.
We won’t give up.
We’re remembering and honoring our babies, and we WILL NOT STOP.
Photo by Ruben Mishchuk on Unsplash
Christy Wopat is a 4th grade teacher and writer. She lives in Wisconsin with her husband and who hilarious, energetic children, and without her boy/girl twins, Sophie and Aiden, who lived for a very short time in 2009. She is honored to share her words in hopes of breaking the stigma surrounding infant loss and grief.
Thank you for sharing! This feeling of being “stuck” is something I have experienced too. It’s hard to not feel that way I think, as you cling to the few memories you have. My daughter passed in 2012 and this feeling is often there for me too.
Thank you XOXO
5 years on and I feel this so much. Our daughters birthbirthday was 2 weeks ago and I think it was the first year when people seemed to move on and ”forget” about her, yet there I was.. still in the thick of it like day one. I don’t want to forget her but it’s so hard feeling sad all the time. Thank you for so eloquently describing the indescribable xx
Happy belated birthday to your sweet daughter <3
Our twins Katie & Mark passed 26 years ago.
Life goes on & we take our babies with us. We acknowledge them at Christmas on our tree with ornaments. I talk about them as naturally as I do about my other children. I will never forget them. They have a part of my heart. I hold onto my faith that promises I will see them alive in Heaven.