Blog post

A Different Kind Of Grief

October 6, 2018

Now, I apologise if I sound like a bitch writing all of this, but this is life. But I’ve seen this talked about quite a bit and I’ve been mulling it over in my head.

When we were trying to get pregnant, with every failed attempt came a deeper sense of upset every time someone else announced that they were pregnant. Friend, family member, coworker, celebrity, random person walking past in the street… I have no doubt that this is a shared feeling with anyone trying to or wanting to become pregnant. I don’t believe it’s jealousy, though it feels like it and looks like it, which is why it’s probably not really spoken about. I think most people agree that jealousy is a pretty ugly emotion. This isn’t jealousy.

Related Post: A Different Kind of Jealousy

Other people’s success is just a reminder that someone else is getting the life that you want. That you are striving for. Longing for. Crying yourself to sleep for. When fertility treatment gets thrown into the mix, it just makes that reminder a much sharper prod through the stomach. I’m sure many experience it, over many others things too. You’re quickly scrolling through your Facebook feed killing time and you see a flash of an ultrasound scan, your heart stops, your stomach drops.

You stop breathing. You skip past it in a blur. Breathe. Look around you like you’ve been caught out. Then you scroll back up to quickly see who it is. Are they are a friend? Is it just a friend of a friend? Are they someone you don’t really know anymore? And then, without too much thought, you click the down arrow, hover over ‘Unfollow’ and click.

Related Post: I’m Sorry I Can’t Like Your Baby

I’m not saying I’ve done this to everyone who gets pregnant. Some people are genuine friends, not just Facebook friends. Sometimes it doesn’t bother you that much. You can’t run and hide from everyone who reminds you of your sadness. Some you are obviously incredibly happy and excited for. They are family. You know them. You know their own struggles perhaps. But, regardless, you have the ability to censor what you see when mindlessly catching up on social media and through this journey, you have to be a little bit selfish in order to protect yourself. After all, the fertility drugs, hormones, grieving a pregnancy you never got, wincing at oversized ovaries, the constant dehydration from the drugs, and everything else can get to you after a while… It’s all just a little exhausting.

Read the rest of this post at The Legacy of Leo

 

Photo by Pro Church Media on Unsplash

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About the Author: I’m Jess, married mother of two. Eli, born in 2017 and Leo, his elder brother born in 2016 who forever lives in our hearts. Working hard to create conversation, fundraise and form community through my blog The Legacy of Leo. It’s bittersweet, but it’s my motherhood.

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