Editor’s note: As a reminder – Still Standing is a place for all grieving parents. If you grieve the loss of your child, no matter the circumstances, you are welcome here. We ask that all conversation be kept respectful and civil.
They say we are perfectionist uptight women who are unable to tolerate the thought of a child with special needs.
They say we took the easy way out, to avoid dealing with a medically complex child.
They say we are cold, uncaring women, throwing away our child the minute there is a problem.
They say we didn’t love our babies, because we had an abortion.
They say we are not allowed to mourn our babies, because we had an abortion.
I Didn’t Choose Death, Death Chose Me: On The Late-Term Abortion Law In New York
They say we gave up too quickly because we had an abortion when our baby was sick but not dying.
They say we don’t care about people with disabilities, because we chose to have an abortion for our baby who had a significant prenatal diagnosis.
They say having an abortion when your baby is very sick or dying is different from taking your 2-week-old dying baby off life support because – it’s an abortion.
Because we didn’t wait for nature to do it for us.
They say we were pushed by our doctors or families into having an abortion, that we didn’t know what we were doing.
They say we’re not as strong or noble as women who continued a doomed pregnancy until the baby died of natural causes.
They say we shouldn’t talk about mourning our babies.
Because how can we grieve, if we had an abortion?
They say we are greedy and selfish because we chose to value our health and have an abortion for a sick or dying baby when we might have been killed from continuing to carry a sick baby.
I Am The Face Of A Heartbreaking Choice
When we might have died or had complications from delivering a stillborn baby who was several months more developed, they say it is eugenics to have an abortion for a baby with a prenatal diagnosis.
As if our only reason for deciding on abortion was to change the gene pool.
The reality is, NONE OF THOSE STATEMENTS IS TRUE.
We can love our baby with our whole heart and still have an abortion.
We can be fierce advocates for people with disabilities and still have an abortion.
We can decide to have an abortion, and fully support those who choose to continue their pregnancies.
We can realize that sometimes life is not black and white, but very, very gray.
It is not always either/or, but often both/and.
We can listen to information, evaluate it, and come to our own wise decisions.
We can ask our doctors to help us in our time of need, knowing full well it will lead to losing our babies.
On Being Both Pro-Life and Pro-Choice
We chose a path that leads to mourning in silence. Alone.
Not socially supported, but with stigma instead.
It takes enormous strength, love, and altruism to do what is needed and say goodbye to your baby, and then face a society that calls you “murderer” and worse.
We know that each woman needs to be able to decide what is best for herself and her family, no matter why she is considering abortion.
We know that women are intelligent and capable, ready to make sound decisions for their own lives and their children and family’s lives.
We know that there are many religions in this country and that none of us should be forced by the government to follow the dictates of one religion, especially if it is not our religion.
It is immoral, to say horrible things to women who are about to have or have just had an abortion.
It is immoral, to tell women they don’t know what they’re doing when they make sound medical decisions by deciding to have an abortion.
It is immoral, to shame women instead of supporting them in one of the most challenging times of their lives.
It is immoral, to make someone’s personal private medical decision an acceptable topic for public conversation and debate.
It is immoral, to tell women what kind of feelings are acceptable after they had an abortion.
It is immoral, to not pay women fair wages and then shame them when they have an abortion because of knowing they can barely support the child(ren) they already have.
It is immoral, to use the force of government to make everyone live by the precepts of one religion, especially when it is not their religion.
Trust women.
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Dana says
I think that humans are gifts from God and all gifts are irrepeatable and needed for a special purpose. None of us are perfect, we all have ways in which we are not going to fit into the perfect mold we all strive for. I think that God puts all kinds of people on this earth to help us to gain knowledge no other person could give us. If we just wipe out those that we believe are doomed to suffer we never take into consideration that they also bring a unique gift to all of us. None of us will get out of this life without suffering. My children whom I carried until their natural death have taught me things no other child could teach me. My children who live and have gifts and deficiencies in different ways also teach me in their unique way. I know God is the author of life and his ways are not ours. Often times I get impatient and don’t understand why suffering takes place but if I have faith and can stand back long enough I begin to see beauty even in the suffering. I have a close relative who has Epidermolysis Bullosa. He has suffered and it is hard sometimes but his life has gifted us and I know he has preferred to live rather than to be aborted. He gives us a perspective that no other child in our family could give. He is a gift. Suffering is not easy but even in suffering there is a profound gift and blessing. I don’t know the author personally and I can only say, I am very sorry for your loss. You lost more than you can imagine. Your child was special and there will be no other child who could offer all of us the unique gifts that child brought to this world.