There is so much guilt after child loss, they seem to go hand-in-hand. It compounds the heaviness of our loss and makes us feel worse. Think about what most occupies your thoughts.
I wish I could…
I wish I had…
We should have…
Why didn’t I…
Regardless of what follows these statements, it is shrouded in guilt. That feeling things were incomplete or the wish things were different. It plays over and over again in our mind almost obsessively. Just the thought causes us pain.
Related: Managing Feelings Of Guilt After The Loss Of A Child
Logically, sometimes anyway, we recognize the ridiculous nature of our guilt. How could we have known? It isn’t realistic. Yet, we shackle ourselves to the responsibility. We were their parents. Our job is to protect them.
This guilt adds to our grief.
Guilt is an incredibly powerful, oppressive word. More importantly, it’s the wrong word!
Did you ever stop to think about the meaning of guilt? An emotional experience when a person believes they have done something (or not done something) that violates a universal code. A moral judgment that places blame. You should have known.
The problem is, we had no way of knowing! Guilt after child loss can literally eat us alive. We feel a sense of responsibility, a loss of control, anger that we didn’t have a different outcome. A space of shoulda, woulda, coulda opens up and tries to swallow us whole.
What we must understand is it’s not guilt. It’s regret.
Regret that we didn’t visit more, didn’t say more, didn’t do something different. It leaves us feeling incomplete. We want more, different, better. Though, it’s too late. So, we regret it.
Related: There Was No Word for This Feeling: Until Now
Though it is still difficult, regret is much easier to let go of than guilt.
Don’t carry that burden! It is not what our children want. Instead, make an attempt at happiness. It’s what they want. After all, they are still watching. Let’s make them proud.
Say goodbye to the guilt!
Feature Photo by CC0 Creative Commons | Pixabay
Emily is the founder of After Child Loss and author of the book Confessions of Child Loss. On Christmas 2015, her 7-year-old son died unexpectedly. As every bereaved parent knows, life spiraled out of control, and she found herself going through the motions of a life she didn’t recognize or want. Today, Emily is a grief coach. She empowers other parents with tools and support to help them take the next step forward. She shares all the things that helped on her journey as she learned to carry this grief in a healthier way and find the place where grief and life coexist.
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