As the weather begins to turn to Fall, I am reminded of the hardest Fall of my life: the Fall of 2016. After losing my firstborn in July of that year, I emerged from my numbness and shock in the Fall. The air felt crisp, and I felt like I was waking up. But not necessarily in a good way. I was waking up to the memories of the early days of my pregnancy, which started in the Fall. Awakening to face months of remembering where I was last year at this time. Last year when I was so naive, expectant, and hopeful. Months of thinking about “what should have been”. I was waking up to the reality that I had to find a way to heal myself.
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I will never forget the cool Fall morning of October 1st when I woke up to witness the sunrise alongside other grieving parents around the globe as part of Carly Marie’s Project Heal. Not realizing how far from my house I would have to walk to actually get a glimpse of the sunrise, I walked with such purpose. As I took part in this ritual, I felt connected. And I knew that connectedness was something that I wanted to grow.
Growing Connection
During the Fall of 2016, I did a lot of connecting with other grieving parents. We connected in person and online; through social media tributes and shared feelings over coffee. I met the woman who was to become a co-founder of Alive In My Heart and one of my best friends. I learned the language of baby loss and grief, and found my voice to speak and write about Jacob and my healing journey. My writing has become a powerful form of connection – in sharing my experiences with others who may have similar ones, and in regularly connecting to Jacob’s memory as everyday life has reached more of a “new normal” in these two plus years after losing him.
That Fall, I also did a lot of connecting with God. My faith became the center of my healing. I prayed for healing, and for peace that surpasses all understanding. Because I certainly couldn’t understand how I could find peace without my son here. I read a devotional for grieving parents that helped me feel understood and process my grief. I re-learned how to pray in my new reality that involved so many prayers left unanswered, at least not answered in the way I had hoped.
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Connecting with My Husband
My husband and I traveled a lot to make sure we remained connected as a couple. We also attended grief counseling regularly. One of our first realizations in the aftermath of our shocking loss was the reality of the toll such a loss can take on a marriage. We did not want our relationship to be a secondary loss following the loss of Jacob. So we did the work of remaining connected when isolation could have been easier. We made time to grieve and cry together, to talk about our feelings, and to escape through travel and date nights. We sent in regrets to many of the seasonal events we would normally have attended in Fall and Winter, and escaped together instead.
Connecting with My Body
During that time, I also re-connected with my body through yoga and reiki. It was a hard decision, but a necessary one, to forgive my body and take care of her. It is easy and natural, after losing a child, to feel that your body has let you down. That it has betrayed you in the worst possible way. It is not an easy feeling to reason your way out of. I am so thankful that I found a yoga instructor who could lead me through yoga for grief. Reiki was a pleasant surprise, as it helped me build trust in my body again.
There is powerful healing available in connection. Pregnancy and infant loss can feel so very isolating. It is natural and instinctual to keep to oneself after such a tragic loss. Although it may initially feel uncomfortable, I urge you to find a way to connect, with yourself, your faith, your partner, or others and see how that connection might begin to heal you.
Photo by Veliko Karachiviev on Unsplash
Elizabeth Yassenoff lives in Columbus, Ohio with her husband Erik. She writes for Still Standing and on her blog to honor her firstborn son, Jacob Dale, who passed away three hours after birth due to unexpected complications during labor. Elizabeth is a co-founder of Alive In My Heart, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization that provides connection and resources to bereaved parents in the Columbus area, and she is studying to become an Integrative Nutrition Health Coach. Jacob’s baby sister, Ella Jane, was born August 11, 2017 and has brought a lot of light and healing.
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