Life as a grieving parent is unimaginable.
You never realize how much you are going to change; how other relationships will change. Life becomes different.
As a grieving parent, you constantly doubt yourself, question yourself, question your relationship with others, question your relationship with grief.
Am I sad enough?
Do I grieve enough?
Am I too happy?
Should there be more tears?
Do I love him enough?
Did I laugh too much today?
Do I miss him enough?
Do I say his name enough?
Should I mourn more?
Do I share too much?
Do I not share enough?
Should I include him in the number of kids I have? Should I not include him?
So many questions, so few answers.
The one question I know the answer to is about the number of kids I have.
I will always include him because over the years, the few times I have not included him, I feel horrible. It feels wrong.
It is right for me to include him.
Most days I wish someone would just tell me what is ok to feel and what is not ok to feel. What is ok to think or what is not ok to think.
But there is no book, no road map to show me the right and wrong way to grieve.
The best or worst way to work through all this.
There is just me. Just what I feel is right. Just what I feel is wrong.
I may continue to question it because I will make mistakes as I go.
Being a grieving parent sucks tremendously.
The questions never go away.
The doubts are etched into our minds.
The sorrow is wrapped around our heart.
The grief is a part of us for the rest of our lives.
We have changed, there is no going back, there is no changing this tragedy.
Being a grieving parent causes me to doubt myself, my abilities as a mother, me as a person.
Grieving makes us wonder what could have been done, could they have been saved, am I the reason they died.
Grief comes from our tragedy but grief equals our sorrow, it equals our doubt, it equals our heartache, it equals our loss.
Grief can also equal love, the love we always carry for that little one gone too soon.
Grieving changes you as a person, changes you as a spouse and changes you as a parent.
No matter how many more years I have left on this earth, grief will always be a part of me. Always.
All because I started to love a child as soon as that test read positive.
All because I love a child that died in my arms at 12 days old.
My son. My baby.
My love. My grief.
Although grief sucks and I hate it, I grieve because I love him.
I grieve because he died way too young.
I have accepted my grief but even though I accept it, it does not mean that it sucks any less.
I grieve because he is and will always be my son.
With the tragedy that we have endured, we can truly say that grief sucks and there is nothing that will ever change it.
I would not wish this on anyone for any reason, but I know I am not alone and I know others will come to realize just how much…
Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash
Marisa is the mother to 3 boys, one gone too soon and 2 keeping her on her toes. Drake died in 2010 at 12 days, 16 hours old after being pulled from life support due to injuries he sustained during delivery. Her other 2 boys: Aden and Gavin, whom she loves every minute with them.