On your first day of Kindergarten, you should be here with me. I should be crying tears of joy that you’re growing up and getting so big. Instead, I will carry three blue bins full of extra school supplies to donate to the classes that will never know you.

Packed carefully with markers that you will never color with, glue sticks that you will never glue with and paint you will never paint with. A sweetly written card will explain these bins have been donated in memory of a little boy.

On your first day of Kindergarten, nobody will even know you are missing, except me. At drop off, I will watch all the Kindergartener’s parents wipe the tears from their eyes as they wave goodbye to their children. A tear will trickle down my face and everyone will assume it’s because I have a boy in Preschool. Nobody will know that I am crying because I have a son who is missing from the Kindergarten class.

Related: To The Kindergarten Teacher Who Is Missing One;

Probably to most, I will look like any other Mom and they won’t see me choking back the pain. The other parents will wave hello. They won’t notice me sobbing as I reach the safety of my car.

On your first day of Kindergarten, nobody will say your name. No picture placed above your cubby. Absent of new friends or party invitations. There will be no “1st Day of Kindergarten” photo taken as you clutch a chalkboard sign describing all your favorite things.

Related: One More Milestone Missed

On your first day of Kindergarten, I will hold you in my heart. I will wonder what outfit you would have worn. I’ll question which backpack you’d be toting around. I’ll envision what you would look like walking so proudly into class.

Wherever you are, I hope you’ll be celebrating your first day of school with all your friends who have gone away too soon. On this day, I will miss you a ton and pray you know how loved you are.

Photo by Mike Fox on Unsplash

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    Kelly Cote

    Kelly Cote

    Kelly is owner and therapist at Evolve Counseling, LLC and proud mother to three children, including her son, Parker who was stillborn at 24 weeks gestation. At Evolve Counseling, LLC she provides counseling services to individuals and families healing after infant and pregnancy loss.