In the days following the stillbirth of my daughter, I wondered when I would feel like myself again. Would it be a month? A year? I longed for my “before” and the innocence of not having gone through this experience.
Running As time went along, that question I asked myself quietly began to be asked by those around me. When will she be back to “normal”? How much longer will she mourn this loss? Is she going to continue to talk about her daughter forever or will she be able to move past this?
The sigh of relief I heard from myself and others when I became pregnant and safely delivered our third baby. Now, I can breathe and feel like me again. I will be able to put this pain behind me.
Related: Grief Changes, Tears Still Flow
What I know now, is I was me along. This is who I am now. I don’t long to be anyone else or go back to who I once was.
It’s painful and messy at times. The grief sneaks in and the anger boils over. The truth is, feeling those emotions is part of being a mom to a daughter who is not here. Turning away from those would be in a way turning away from her.
I will never be the same and I don’t want to be.
This is who I am now.
Sometimes heavy, sometimes light.
Able to laugh and also cry.
Evolving and regressing.
Running fast and standing still.
Outgoing and introverted.
I am Madison’s Mom and I will never be the same.
Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash
Henderson Lafond is the founder of Madison’s Closet. Our mission is to comfort and clothe moms who suffered a perinatal loss by providing complimentary donated clothing to help them reclaim their self confidence. Please visit Madison’s Closet to learn more about receiving or donating clothing.