Could he have been saved?
Not a day goes by that this does not cross my mind.
A question I constantly ask myself, a question many other couples ask about their baby.
Could they have been saved?
Is there something that we could have done to change this outcome?
Unfortunately, we will never know. Never.
Should I have done something differently?
Could I have convinced the doctors to change their minds?
Should I have pushed to have my C-section scheduled earlier?

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Should I….?

Could I…?
So many unanswered questions, so many thoughts of could of, should of.
I know I am not alone in this whirlwind of unanswered questions, but I know that these questions will never go away. They just become part of us. A part of our grief, a part of our loss.
My son was a neonatal death.
My son was traumatically injured during delivery… he sustained injuries. When asked how he died, we simply say he sustained injuries during delivery.
Maybe it is to simplify things for the world, maybe to simplify them for ourselves. We learn things all the time as we continue to travel the world of grief. Answers that make us uncomfortable, ways to change those answers that make us comfortable. We are constantly evolving on the grief journey. Every day is different. But the questions stay the same.
Could he have been saved?

This question haunts me because I truly feel our loss was preventable.

Maybe it is my wishful thinking/hoping. But in the end, he’s gone, and all I have left are my questions.
My son died at 12 days old. 12 days.
My son died in my arms because at 39 weeks + 2 days I went into labor at home in the middle of the night.
My son died because he was breech.
My son died because my contractions took over.
My son died because our doctor told us to wait an hour then call back.

Related Post: Is It Possible To Forgive My Doctors?

My son died because we never made it to that hour.
My son died because the EMTs and I could not get his head out after I had already delivered his body.
My son died because his head got stuck.
My son died because he lacked oxygen while stuck.
My son died because he sustained brain damage.

Could he have been saved?

Should we have gone to the hospital no matter what the doctor said?
Should I have tried to push harder?
Could I have done more?
Is it my fault?
Questions. So many questions that haunt me.
Could he have been saved?
A question that has me running in circles. A question branded into my heart, my mind, my soul.
All losses are different but a lot of the questions are the same. A lot of the feelings are the same. A lot of the grief is the same.
It haunts me but…
Could he have been saved?

Feature Photo by Jacalyn Beales on Unsplash