This is an entry from my journal. I’m sharing this because I know there are so many people out there who don’t get it. And there are so many people out there who do.
Oct 10, 2017
So, while standing at the checkout, a cute little boy at the grocery store showed me his stuffed penguin and asked if I liked it.
I told him I loved it! He then asked if I had any kids. I said no. He then asked, “Well why not?”.
And now I’m sitting in my car sobbing.
THIS is child loss. Triggers everywhere and every day.
I didn’t know what to say to this little boy, because I had no answer.
I have been looking for an answer every day since August 1, 2015, when I held my twin boys in my arms as they took their first and last breaths.
It was clear that this child thought everyone who loved kids would have kids. I wish that were the case.
I wish that every woman who wanted a child brought one home safely.
I wish that every couple who dreamed of having the title of “Mom” or “Dad” was given the gift of a healthy child.
I wish the horrible people in the world who abuse their kids or simply don’t want them, were never given the gift of having a child.
I wish, I wish, I wish. There are so many wishes I have.
I could tell the little boy had come to the conclusion that I didn’t like children, and as he turned away, it broke my heart.
How does a heart that’s already completely shattered break?
I don’t know, but I can tell you from experience, it does.
Fast forward to 2018. It has been almost seven months since my encounter with that little boy.
I still don’t “have” kids, but not from lack of trying.
Well, I did have kids, but I don’t anymore, so what does that make me?
As my birthday passed on May 7th, and now I am facing one of the hardest days of the year for a bereaved mother, Mother’s Day, I still don’t have the answers.
The questions flood my mind.
Do I have kids?
Did I have kids?
Will I ever get to leave the hospital with a baby in my arms?
Am I a Mom?
Was I a Mom, but now I am not?
They were here, weren’t they?
I flashback to studying their faces in the hospital.
They had matching noses that looked just like their Dad’s.
I saw that they both had my lips and chin.
I see the resemblance in my almost 2-year-old nephew. When he runs around and laughs, I see my twins running around and laughing right next to them.
Oh, what a trio they would be. What fun they should be having growing up together.
Yes, they were here, even though sometimes it feels like a dream.
A horrible nightmare.
The questions continue.
Questions I will never have answers to, and yet, they still come.
Looking back, here is what I wanted to say to that sweet boy in the grocery store:
I don’t have kids, but I wish more than anything that I did. Your Mom is SO very lucky.
How beautiful life would be if we had answers to our questions?
How beautiful life would be if this Mother’s Day, my boys were in my arms and not just in my heart.
One can dream.
Photo by: Kelly Sikkema/Unsplash
I am the Mama of identical twin boys William & Harrison, who reside in heaven with their great-grandparents. I live in Virginia with my husband Nicholas, and Golden Retriever puppy, Barley. You can follow me on my blog.