When you are dating/ engaged you tend to have the conversation regarding the future. Do we see ourselves getting married? When? Where? Where to live? How many kids? What’s it like when decisions change?
When the topic of kids comes up you discuss the number you want and what you would like. One boy and one girl. Two boys. Two girls. All boys. (Like Jo in Little Women.) All girls. A mixture of both. As many as you can have.
I have yet to find someone who did not “put in their order” of what they wanted. But we can’t put in an order.
No drive-thru for what we want compared to what we get.
We all know that we want healthy babies, we do not even think for one second that what we endure will happen.
I like most, wanted a boy and a girl (as did my husband), the order did not matter – I ended up having three boys and I love and treasure each and every one. Would not change a thing.
But when a couple has the “how many kids” conversation and a number is decided upon – no one thinks about “what if I lose a baby to miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death”.
It never crosses peoples minds until it occurs – then what.
My husband and I wanted two kids, we never even imagined for a second that our first son would die in our arms.
A year later we welcomed our second son into the world but then we realized we are stuck in a quandary. We wanted two kids and we have two kids but never in our wildest dream would we have imagined that one of our sons would die.
Do we stick with our original number of two? Yes, we have two, even though only one is alive.
This was not a topic discussed back when we were dating/ engaged – we never even entertained the idea that our baby could die, would die, did die.
So what did we do about our quandary? Many years and many discussions later it was decided that we can change our original decision. It was never written in stone. When we made the original decision it was with two living children in mind.
Two living would never replace the one gone too soon.
Two living would never make us forget the one goon too soon.
The two living would just add to our family, we would be a family of 5 instead of 4.
I will always wonder how our first would have been as he grew up but all I can do is wonder.
Decisions can always change because life changes, life throws us curve balls – some we smack out of the park while others hit us.
We have to choose what is best for us not for others.
Decisions can be changed. As long as they are right for you.
It is ok to make changes to decisions made long ago because as we know not everything has gone as we imagined. We need room to make changes to ourselves, to our lives, to our decisions whether simple or complicated.
No matter what you originally thought was the plan, feel free to make changes. Feel free to shred your previous notions about anything and everything because the death of our children has shredded our hearts, changed us – so we have every right to change anything that we see fit.
Photo by Jens Lelie on Unsplash
Marisa is the mother to 3 boys, one gone too soon and 2 keeping her on her toes. Drake died in 2010 at 12 days, 16 hours old after being pulled from life support due to injuries he sustained during delivery. Her other 2 boys: Aden and Gavin, whom she loves every minute with them.