Through overworked and exhausted eyes, I finally see clearly the person I have become. I have been running as fast as I can—running to escape the sadness and the loss. I keep a pace with work and projects that no one should. I don’t say no to things I don’t want to do because inside I want to be busy, overwhelmed, and tired. Feeling that way helps me to avoid making space for the really difficult feelings I have about my daughter Madison.
I wear my exhaustion and overwhelm like a cloak protecting me. If you look at me, my hope is it keeps you from seeing the sadness. I don’t want you to see a loss Mom who is having a hard day. I would rather you see a mom who is overworked and overstressed.
My work allows me an easy “no” to friends and events. The busier I am, the less anyone will expect from me. It’s a very safe place to hide.
Related: The Mask
I can complain to you about it, and you won’t feel sorry for me. You can match story-for-story with your own experiences of work stress. We can relate to each other in a way we can’t if I talk about Madison.
It causes the time to fly by and the days to blur together.
I want to make space to feel things again. I want to be able to sit, rest, and not run.
I want to read and take walks and sit silently.
I want to see what will happen if I stop long enough to really find out what it is that I feel and want and think.
I am terrified of the feelings that may come to the surface.
Related: When Grief Takes Work And Time
Putting these words on the page makes me accountable for changing and offering myself something other than the person I am right now.
I am Madison’s mom, and every day I wake up without her here. I have to learn how to best to be her mother — and this is not it.
It’s time to make some space.
Photo by Abbie Bernet on Unsplash
Henderson Lafond is the founder of Madison’s Closet. Our mission is to comfort and clothe moms who suffered a perinatal loss by providing complimentary donated clothing to help them reclaim their self confidence. Please visit Madison’s Closet to learn more about receiving or donating clothing.
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