Still Standing Magazine

  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Twitter
  • About
    • About The Editor
    • Note from the Founder
  • Write For Us & Guidelines
  • Advertise
  • Resources
    • Worldwide Mental Health Hotlines/Resources
    • Expressions of Grief
  • Contact Us
    • FAQs
    • Terms of Use/Privacy
  • FAQs
    • Still Standing Commenting
  • Terms of Use/Privacy

January 29, 2018

Facing Trauma While Grieving

Facing Trauma While Grieving
       

Since my daughter, Blake, died, I’ve heard the word “trauma” a lot. Therapists have said things like, “…because of all the trauma you’ve experienced…” or “…you’re having a trauma response…”  I decided to google this word and here’s what I saw:

The experience of losing a child is actually part of the definition of trauma. I guess I always reserved that word for something horrific;  I hadn’t considered trauma when it came to my family. I’ve come to realize, as parents who lost a child, we have been through so much trauma and it pops up all the time.

A few months ago, my 3-month-old daughter, Ayla, spit up. Obviously, this is a common thing for a baby to do. I wiped her little face and moved on. Just a couple of minutes later she did it again; only this time, it was clear she was vomiting. It happened again and again. My husband and I cared for her, of course, but all the while I began to panic. She threw up until there was nothing left and she was dry heaving. All I could hear by then were my own thoughts.

I sat on my bed cradling my baby while I cried. My husband looked at me, concerned. “Babe, what is wrong? Her stomach is just upset.”

The words fell out of my mouth: “I just don’t want her to die.”

In that moment, I believed it. There had to be a serious cause for her being sick. Maybe she has an infection that was killing her or a disease we didn’t know about. “This is how terrible things start,” I said to myself.

I’ve learned that right there is a trauma response.

Related: The Lingering Effects of a Traumatic Loss

Looking back on it now makes me feel like a crazy person. I stayed up with her all night long, watching her chest rise and fall. I called the doctor, who advised us to watch her carefully for a few days. I know from my clear view today that she was okay. But, not then. Then, I was in the pit of the deepest darkest hole that exists: the one where I helplessly watch my child die. I’ve been there before.

Fortunately, I don’t have such a severe response often. I am, however, faced with a tremendous amount of anxiety since Blakey was diagnosed with Spinal Muscular Atrophy, type 1. I constantly worry about my two living daughters and my husband. Not in the typical way that a mother worries, it’s worry on steroids. Many mothers in the loss community tell me they are overcome with anxiety too. That gives me a little bit of comfort in this journey, I’m not the only one.

It’s taken me a while but I know I’m not crazy. I’m trying to function while living with a broken heart and a truckload of trauma.

Photo retrieved from unsplash.com

Related


       

Archives

Copyright © Still Standing Magazine, LLC
To inquire on republishing posts or for public use other than social sharing, please contact the editor.
Print for personal use only.
Print Friendly, PDF & Email

Previous Post: « A New Year Without My Baby
Next Post: The Sister She Never Met »

Reader Interactions

{Your Thoughts} Cancel reply

Primary Sidebar

W E L C O M E
Founded in 2012, Still Standing Magazine, LLC, shares stories from around the world of writers surviving the aftermath of loss, infertility - and includes information on how others can help. This is a page for all grieving parents. If you grieve the loss of your child, no matter the circumstances, you are welcome here.
Subscribe To Our New Posts
Advertising
Write For Us
Contact Us
FAQ

Join Our Online Support Group -
T O G E T H E R
  • About
  • Write For Us & Guidelines
  • Advertise
  • Resources
  • Contact Us
  • FAQs
  • Terms of Use/Privacy

Footer

  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Twitter

Categories

Recently Posted

  • Ukraine: Bearing Witness In The Grief Of War
  • Lives Lost – The Recent Catastrophic Changes To Cancer Care During Covid-19
  • When You Lose The Person You Love Before They Die
  • Redefining Christmas And The New Year
  • Dear Meghan

Copyright © 2023 · Still Standing Magazine, LLC