Dear Talia: Happy Birthday

November 15, 2017

Today would have been your first birthday. Today I should be celebrating a whole year of having you by my side, but instead, you are gone. You have been gone since April of last year. Life has changed so much and I miss you every second.

Today I am officially 34 weeks along with your sister. I found out about her existence mere days before the anniversary of losing you. Often I think about how different this pregnancy would be if you were here, not just for me emotionally, but in the sense that I would get to watch you become a big sister. I would get to feel your small hands on my belly as your sister kicks beneath them.

Related: When Birthdays Stand Still

Carrying Little A has been such a different experience than carrying you. The farther along I get into this pregnancy, the more I realize how little I got to know you and it brings fresh pain. I know that you would not want me to be sad, that you would want me to continue living life as happily as if you were here, but I can’t. At least not completely. Every moment of Little A’s life will be juxtaposed by the absence of you. It is not something I will try to dwell on, I don’t want her to feel like her life is always shadowed by the loss of you. But it is something that I will carry quietly in my heart every day.

Your sister will know about you. We already tell her about you. And I will always count you as my first child. I know I do not always tell people I have two children. I don’t think everyone can hear it. But more often than not I do try to acknowledge your existence to strangers, in whatever way I can. I know this is something that will get more complicated, especially after your sister is born. I hope that you can be patient with me and forgive me if I mess up or don’t know how to respond to someone.

Every day I wear the ring I had made after I lost you. It carries today’s date and your birthstone on the outside. On the inside are both of your names: Talia Luna, which your Papi and I feel is who you are, and Silas Oliver, the name you would have had if we were wrong. The not knowing is so hard. I wish I knew if we were right or not about you being Talia. I wish there was so much we knew about you.

What we did know was that you lived. We heard your heartbeat. That moment changed my life and I will never forget the sound of it.

Related: Grieving the Child Who Did Not Die

Today and every day I remember and think of you. I wonder who you would have been. Most days I can keep the sadness at bay but some days it overwhelms me. In a way, you are here with me. I don’t know where you are, if its heaven or nature or somewhere else, but I do know you are in my heart. I know a part of you will be in your sister. These thoughts bring me comfort.

There is so much I want to say to you. So much I want to apologize for. So much I want to tell you. But words will never be enough. I will just say this then: Happy Birthday, my dear Talia. I hope that wherever you are you are happy and at peace.  Thank you for making me a mommy.  I love you and miss you so much.




  • Heidi Beltran

    Heidi Beltran is the mother of Talia Luna, who was lost to a missed miscarriage at 11 weeks in April of 2016, and her Rainbow Baby, Atlas Delilah Rose, born December 2017. You can follow her on Instagram to see her journey.

    Prev Post Next Post