I Thought About Hurting Myself

October 6, 2017

In the beginning of my loss, I was so overcome with my sorrow and my grief, I truly felt I was drowning, that I thought about hurting myself.

I’ve never gone through something so traumatic before, something this devastating – I had no idea what to do with all these emotions I was dealing with. My heart physically hurt with each breath I took knowing he was gone forever. Knowing I was never going to see him, touch him, kiss him again.

I felt that if I hurt myself in some way that my mind would get released from all these thoughts/ emotions – the tragedy for just a moment. I knew it wouldn’t last forever, but I just wanted a moment free from the severity of all I had just endured.

At this point, I knew I needed help. Help that I couldn’t do myself.

I was scared like I had never been before.  I knew that if I hurt myself, I would be hurting others. I knew that if I hurt myself, it would never be enough as the pain would always return. I knew that I needed help.

I never feared hurting anyone else – it never crossed my mind. I never thought about ending my life. I just needed a way to release all of this that was overflowing from my broken heart. All of this that was weighing so heavily on my shoulders.

These emotions were so extreme, so raw, so fresh, so real; I truly had no idea what to do – how to process them.

I never acted on the feelings to hurt myself – I chose to get help and there is nothing wrong with needing or asking for help.

When you go through something as traumatic as the loss of your child, you experience things you’ve never experienced before. You experience grief on a whole new level.

You will have thoughts and feelings that you would not wish on your worst enemy.

Even though I had my husband there with me traveling this new path, I felt utterly alone. Like no one understood how broken I truly was.

I was traveling a path with millions of pieces of broken hearts from those who had walked this path before me. I had no way of knowing where I was going and I was too emotional, too lost in my own mind.

Finally, when it got to be too much, I chose to seek professional help. I went to see a grief therapist who helped me to work through all of these new emotions. I picked up a pen again and started writing, releasing these emotions and feelings through the end of my pen onto that page allowed a release. In my seven years, I’ve ended up back on his couch one other time due to such strong thoughts and emotions. I know if I need help, I can ask.

I am grateful for the help he gave/ provided me. I am grateful I did not harm myself.

I thought about hurting myself.

But in the end, I did not.

It is okay to ask for help.

If you are experiencing a similar situation and thinking about hurting yourself please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

  • Marisa Michaud

    Marisa is the mother to 3 boys, one gone too soon and 2 keeping her on her toes. Drake died in 2010 at 12 days, 16 hours old after being pulled from life support due to injuries he sustained during delivery. Her other 2 boys: Aden and Gavin, whom she loves every minute with them.

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