My Desperate Search For The Spirit Of My Miscarried Baby.
My Spirit & Motherhood
I recently had a miscarriage that tested my sense of spirituality. I felt conflicted by my inability to connect with the spirit of the tiny being that had been growing in my belly. I have always felt a strong sense of spirituality. As a girl and adolescent, I felt strongly connected to God and angels. However, after the birth of my first child, I began to feel strongly connected to a more open sense of spirituality that seemed limitless and beautiful.
My Spirit & Miscarriage
In November of 2016, I became pregnant with my second child. I was confused because I had been able to sense one of my spirit baby’s for quite a while. Unfortunately, when this pregnancy began the spiritual presence seemed to fade away. I began to sense that this baby was not meant to stay. Through meditation, I tried to connect with the baby’s spirit despite the extreme sickness that was taking over my body. Around 16 weeks I started bleeding and the miscarriage followed.
Despite the physical loss I continued to feel extremely bewildered by the lack of spiritual connection. No matter how hard I tried to connect there was only darkness. I tried to seek guidance through several books but came up with nothing. I also discussed the situation with a spiritual healer who reinforced that idea that maybe this spirit wasn’t able to cross realms for some reason or another.
Finally, after some time had passed, I asked the spirit world to send me a sign that might help me make sense of what was happening. That night I had a dream. In my dream, I was alone in a small room with shaggy carpet and an old console T.V. The sound of static blared. Something was trying to show through on the screen but a connection could not be made so I turned off the T.V. and finally felt a sense of peace. After waking up, I took this as a sign that the time was not right for me to connect with the baby’s spirit.
The dream, along with a good healing massage, allowed me to release some of my sadness that I was feeling so that I could begin to let go of the idea that I would connect with this child’s spirit. At least for now. Recently my 2-year-old son also gave me some insights. He was sitting in our front yard near the grave site of the baby. I asked him where the baby was and he pointed at the sky. He then said, “the baby is up there, looking for his mama.”
These words nearly broke my heart. The pain and sadness came flooding back and brought on so many fears. Ultimately, I am hopeful that the baby will find a mama to connect with. Maybe that mama will be a future me or some other person whom I hope is loving and kind.
For me, miscarriage and the loss of a baby came with so many unanswered questions. Now, when I think about the tiny baby that I gave birth to in our bathroom, I try to not to think too deeply about all of the unknowns. It seems pointless to let my mind wander too far. I simply try to accept what happened while cradling the tiny teddy bear that will forever serve as the reminder of that child’s existence.
Recently, I announced that I am pregnant again. I feel connected to the presence of this baby and am hopeful that this strong connection is a sign that the pregnancy and birth will be filled with joy and happy tears.
Did You Sense A Connection?
Did you feel spiritually connected to your babies before they were born? What kind of spiritual experience did you have after the loss of a child or during pregnancy?